[Elbee]

give the dude before you feed bling.

[Elbee]

Okay, imma give feed to both of you cats.

Khaled, I can see your use of inners there which is an improvement. Flow is muc better than your previous stuff but the thing I have qualms about is that you're rhyming like three lines at one go instead of the standard even number line rhymes if u get what I'm saying. Stick to rhyming bars and stuff and maybe work on your spelling a little. Haha. Overall it's an okay drop.

Bling, its salient to me that your using them big words again and this not being a battle, bodes for you well. Maybe it was a little over the top and a little incoherent at parts, like the freethinks evanascent line. Its okay for your standard though.


Haunted by suicidal thoughts, whether to die or not
amidst the multitude of failures, what the fuck am I trying for
Will I rise or fall, am I able to defy the odds
but theres only so much one can do against the might of god
counting the times I've fought and each of the fights I've lost
and all the rotten combinations from all the dice I've tossed
my minds exhausted but I still couldnt find the cause
of why I'm not everything that I have been striving for
and the lines I've crossed to cure this writers block
reciting plots though the night long after the lights are off
willing to step in the line of shots of nines and glocks
in hopes of revitalising all the rhymes I jot
to brim with energy or languish like a dying dog
plummet to my death or to unprecedented heights I soar
to power through debilitating plights and more
as I ponder in my mind what my life has brought

[61!/V9]

Originally Posted by Elbee

Haunted by suicidal thoughts, whether to die or not
amidst the multitude of failures, what the fuck am I trying for
Will I rise or fall, am I able to defy the odds
but theres only so much one can do against the might of god
counting the times I've fought and each of the fights I've lost
and all the rotten combinations from all the dice I've tossed
my minds exhausted but I still couldnt find the cause
of why I'm not everything that I have been striving for
and the lines I've crossed to cure this writers block
reciting plots though the night long after the lights are off
willing to step in the line of shots of nines and glocks
in hopes of revitalising all the rhymes I jot
to brim with energy or languish like a dying dog
plummet to my death or to unprecedented heights I soar
to power through debilitating plights and more
as I ponder in my mind what my life has brought

That was pretty good, El. Some of the words you rhymed were slanted a bit too much, but other than that it was great.

Originally Posted by Khaled

This iraq war is a whole new subject to explore/
ghettos bore the chore of supplying the corps/
who get sore and immune to death and gore/
always in fear, don't adore what's in store/
They lore you into thinking it's a life of galore/
but why don't the rich cats enlist anymore?/
cuz they understand and account for whats ashore/
death, not dressed up or designed with any decore/
hardcore, it comes with surprises and roars/
and they ain't got no rapport, could care less if you die/
why? cuz that's one less person to supply/
give your fam a medal and an explanation to why/
you had to say farewell too early and good bye/
they even deny the fact that they ally the enemy/
the govs really doesnt give a damn if ya disagree/
but gauruntee your people to live miserably/

looking for feed fam
1

Alright, you're definately improving. However I feel that sometimes you get too Seuss-ish. Like sometimes you use too many inners that it just sounds wack. Like "ghettos bore the chore of supplying the corps". I think it's cuz all the inners are single syllable.

But like I said, you're definately getting better.

[VicValSwift]

This thread fizzled out so quickly haha..

Just thought I'd drop something I finished earlier today, haven't been updating but still trying to elevate..

I find only peace in the underground...
But I can't slumber sound 'cause of this thundercloud
I wonder how I'll ever put the cogs in place
I'm walking now, but I forgot dogs can chase
The fog's a grace, it hides the trepidation and fear
Maybe I need to put my meditation in gear?
Or medication severe enough to alleviate
The pain 'cause it's just too much to appreciate
At a climax tryin' to diffuse this mind trap
It strikes back that's why I won't let the rhymes slack
I find that this artform is my only hope
Like if my home's broke and he sold me dope...
Phony notes decorate my mind's interior
Constantly reminding me my rhymes inferior
'Cause I'm so impartial to certain things it seems
So I reach out to your auricles/oracles like Kings 'n Queens

[SpellBound]

^ Opening bar shows potential, but the flow was messed up with the word "cause." Personally I think you should've said because, but that's just how I'd spit it. First half needs some work, flow seems a bit off to me, but you definitely held it down in the second half.

The choices are endless, next time choosin there's more
Options'll never stop whether it's just music or war
Sometimes I just wanna stop it, sit back on my couch
Only carin what me'n my friends are chattin about
Not a day goes by, when you're not faced with a choice
Whether to stay quiet, or start out raisin your voice
Stuck with that decision, sometimes I do wonder though
What my life would've been like had I chose the other road
That's not the point, cuz that's the true glory of picks
The path is paved in granite, and that lone story comes with
You don't question your motive, just be glad for the lesson
Keep movin down that path, and don't glance back for a second
Sail through any troubles, spend time livin out the storm
Cuz life's a journey, and there's no risk without reward
Be confident, and be sure to never lose your own faith
When there's a fork in the road just choose to go straight

[SpellBound]

My one passion is finally makin my goal
And right now you could pull the pen straight from my soul
Most cats can't even imagine an essence this thick
When I die, a mic's the only thing left in my grip
It's the reason that drive'll never die from my heart
Why I'm shiftin gears, when cats still tryin to start
What fuels me is love, I know these kids'll be astounded
That with hip hop in my veins, I'll live to be a thousand
No lie, cuz for my life I am makin this choice
And now a microphone is here'n replacin my voice
Pride for me is one thing that isn't a factor
As bboys start becomin my physical stature
Controllin my movements, a thing I can't debate'n
Now graffiti is the spot for my imagination
My decision is final, I'm happy bein the art
As DJs are now playing with the speed of my heart

[Elbee]

Another typical Spell verse. The positive vibes on your first verse was cool. I was really feelin' it. What I like about is how the rhyme scheme seems so natural, not forced at all. Flow was good. Hope to see the full version of it soon.

Now for the second one, I like the wordplay you incorporated in here. The first two bars were straight ill. The 'live to be a thousand' line also sounded great on the audio. This is definitely one of your better verses. Flow was aight but mainly just to reiterate, the metaphors here were tight as fuck. Hope to see the complete version of this one.

Just part of something I've been working on. It's just a draft only though. Gonna tweak it a tad when I'm done.

this incessant writers block makes me drive up walls
confined by locks, I can't think outside the box
as I run my mind across everything my life has brought
trynna find what cause me to get on the bad side of god
wondering if its right and wrong, I'm so full of questions
about to subdue to tension and am going through depression
and the moods I'm having, far from being luminescent
frustrated by brewing tempers shall I concede to aggression
I was so used to tantrums, my anger refused to lessen
And I never understood my parents' and their abusive actions
whether they had good intentions or cruel, I wouldnt mention
all these tribulations did nothing but fuel my passion

[RingerINC]

In class and bored, lets see what we can come up with.

I'm a mercenary, words fire, a burning every herb lighter/
In a sermon with a cursed friar, learn ta bury worse writers/
straight murder, killing happily married couples/
and I blaze further, leaving you faggots in the rubble/
make ya past crumble, setting fire to ya ancestors/
Coz old victories don't matter when I motherfucking stamp letters/
Signed sealed and delivered on a silver platter/
I rhyme ill, what I'm spitting really doesnt matter/
Verse? Diss? I merk shit, and when i rap in topical lines/
You'll be feeling your own shit drop on ya thighs/

[Elbee]

That was pretty mediocre-ish for your standards but since you were typing it up in class, I can let you off this time. lol

Homie pass the mic, I'm the one next in line
Flex my mind, stressin' why I'm the best alive
The dextrous type, blessed to be extra tight
My practice rhymes, enough to leave armies pacified
This cat defines perfection and undeterred passion
got the universe crashin', whats left is burnt ashes
its sheer madness, my minds succumbed to absurdity
well, thats how I need to be to be able to serve MCs

mehh

[Khaled]

Originally Posted by Elbee

That was pretty mediocre-ish for your standards but since you were typing it up in class, I can let you off this time. lol

Homie pass the mic, I'm the one next in line
Flex my mind, stressin' why I'm the best alive
The dextrous type, blessed to be extra tight
My practice rhymes, enough to leave armies pacified
This cat defines perfection and undeterred passion
got the universe crashin', whats left is burnt ashes
its sheer madness, my minds succumbed to absurdity
well, thats how I need to be to be able to serve MCs

mehh

first thing i noticed was the flow got off a bit in this part:
[code]The dextrous type, blessed to be extra tight
My practice rhymes, enough to leave armies pacified[/code]
it was a harsh transformation to the second line if you know what I mean.
My favorite line actually was:
[code]My practice rhymes, enough to leave armies pacified[/code]
that shit was dope son
you got passion for writing and i respect that.

anyways heres my verse Ima be recording pretty soon, i know ive said that about 90% of my verses but Im serious this time haha

Looking to the sky yo never look any lower/
Im so hot that I spit like a flame thrower/
Without the fame, bling, or the jewels in the game/
but became self-proclaimed and put yall to shame/
untamed and lashing out at any opposers/
the disposer of yall cats who're fake posers/
No one has ever came closer to success/
Wherever or whenever yo I am the best/
Doing it big from the Northeast to the west/
Fresh like Zest, and I don't even jest/
But when I make it, yall rappers gonna end up depressed/
Cuz when I hit I give cardiac arrests/
Got ya stressed, even with a vest ya cant protect/
I suggest you quit before I lay you to rest/
Radio stations need to reinvest and quit requests/
shit is sad like a prostitute during a blood test/

[RingerINC]

khaled, need to work on the multis man, long chains arent that lyrically impressive when you're rhyming one syllable. Also, dunno how diverse you want to get, but most of your verses seem to be anti-industry self promo. Getting better though dude, keep at it.

[Diamond]

Khaled - honestly I agree with ringer, your stuff is hella basic and the flow suffers because of it. Even a 2/3 sylable multi at the end of your rhymes will make it flow nicer off the tongue, you got good ideas, now apply the technique.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Inner Rage

a violent guy, hidden by a placid facade
an aggression that's emergin as i'm rappin my bars
laugh in the dark, seein other people weathered by pain
devilish brain, twisted sickness built on gen'ral disdain
mind is dwelling in flames, infernal hell of my psyche
don't give a fuck, i never cared if anybody would like me
not nice see, i'm inticed by killin'n more
i'm aroused by thoughts of blood, as it spills t'the floor
with a switch or a saw, i dream of severing heads quick
a murderous fantasy in a world full of dead kids
tell me is it really sick that i'm wantin t'throttle ya
and penetrate ya corpse, with necrotic erotica?
who needs beer'n drugs? i'm a fearsome thug
i get my highs as I batter you to tears of blood
i get pleasure from the notion of you blistered'n raw
as i eviscerate ya guts'n leave'em smeared on the wall

and i'm beggin for release from the sickness inside
shit that's twistin my mind, will someone give me a sign
that i can finally escape from the dark in my soul
someone please show me some proof that my heart isn't cold

I like t'break limbs, hate brings me pleasure
i like to torture nervous women til they cringe with terror
if ya try t'come against me shit's a fatal mistake
makin rhythms from the crackin of ya face as it breaks
people say we're all god's children, but my life isn't holy
tear ya spine out through ya back'n hold it high as a trophy
ya know me, i'm that guy ya saw on the news
leavin bodies torn t'pieces, many corpses abused
i'm distortin ya youth, with vivid visions of evil
teenage minds entrapped in prisons where conditions're fecal
illegal, crime to me's a natural state of life
wanna question my credentials? i'm the guy who raped ya wife!
i'm the guy who takes a knife'n then i'm slittin incisions
t'split ya, it's fission, a kid with viscous precision
when i hear ya cries of pain, it's a cacophony of ecstasy
y only hate me coz ya view all my atrocities subjectively

i'm clawin' at my chest to grasp the demons within
emancipate myself from bein just a heathen who sins
i wade through darkness, tryna find a guideing light
sick of these perversions, maybe now's the time t'fight

I won't be like this, nah, i'ma find an escape
how ya tryna be a prophet with a mind full of hate?
fuck you! i can elevate myself from the hatred
yeah? as if you wouldn't miss the look of pain on their faces
i don't need you! i can be a person with worth
try and stop me, i'm a plague of sin, pervertin the earth
no! i won't do it! I can cast you aside!
you pathetic little fool, how I laugh at your lies
i'm the master of your soul'n i've got passion fa death
and the waning of existance with a rattling breath
you'll never beat me, i've got strength beyond what ya know
take my life into my hands, so i'm no longer controlled
by a hideous creature born of subconscious fear
see the difference between what is right'n what's wrong is clear
i'm a man who's blessed with insight in a place of confusion
and i won't be slave to evil thoughts that's makin me lose it, NO!

[VicValSwift]

Damn yo.. I'm loving the content and the raging battle within yourself type concept, you pulled it off nicely and the imagery is dope. Some of the flow seemed off in just a few points but I'm sure the way you spit it is on beat. Here's 2 verses I wrote recently, not too sure of 'em yet.. finished both but they're constantly going under revision because for some reason I can't get the delivery right (writing to a certain beat right now). Don't know if it's the wording if it it's the way I deliver it but I'm working on it, aight enough talk:

I hold the mic like a cloud to squeeze out the rain
Hopin' all this coldness will ease all the pain
I'm looking up to the sky like "when will it stop?"
Frost limbs, caustic hymns, I'm ready to drop
Tired of witnessing the glory and sin
Feels like the end, but I didn't let the story begin
Stormiest winds constantly breathin' down my neck
It's making me go deaf so there's no sound to check
The ground is wet, but I didn't heed the signs
My grandfather clock stopped, but I can't flee the times
Please reap this soul, have me labeled a fool
For usin' all the old fables as tools
I'm always reaching for what's non-existent
Receiving pricks and nicks, my skin is not-resistant
Subsistence, never on the brink of starvation
Rising from the ashes of my reincarnation

I'm aiming for the stars with an arrow of God
Can't hide behind my bars with this narrow facade
So I keep a quiver filled of my hopes and dreams
But they're not tangible, it's only smoke and steam
Jokes and schemes, hopeless means, can't seem to cope with things
The fact I can't get to heaven with broken wings
My life is the result of when words collide
Kicked dirt aside, the dust and the corruption hurt my eyes
This is real, you can see my heart spill on to the page
Even after I'm done, I'm still often engaged
In the meanings my mind was designed to define
But here I am, walking the fine line of divine
Intervention. with various inner tensions
In this game of life there's no winners mentioned
Sinner's pension, makes me write songs to instrumentals
Because I can't tell what's right, wrong, or in the mental

[RingerINC]

For tuddles open collabo thing. tre never seemed to get around to it.

Bitch
Bleach coming with the pad and pen to settle the score/
Like finishing the piece of music you’ve heard never before/
Weapons I draw, are found solely in my sketch book/
Let’s look, or get took or taken to the next hook/
Vets books I’m banging when I’m writing my shit/
I’m tighter at writing lines that are divine when they hit/
I know you eyeing my shit, so lets explain how the rhythm runs/
Several guns go banging in my head whenever I hear it son/
The beat that is, it’s beating out the soul of my sound/
Used for controlling the crowd, like riot gear when patrolling the grounds/
Straight rolling around the ball found inside my bic pen/
Or tapping out the notes on my keys before I click send/
My ribs bend with the breathing while I tell em/
And my synapses click raps across my cerebellum/
Along with thoughts of why, when and how without reason/
Flying past the pits of memories buried too deep to reach them/
I please them and appease thoughts of the improbable/
A cannon crammed with crazy ideas probably unstoppable/
That’s what I imagine is going on inside my head man/
Next to monkeys with typewriters banging beats on a bed pan/
I said damn, as I observed my own thought process/
And thought God it’s hopeless, Where is all the focus?/
So I arranged schemes, dreams and appealing ideas/
Avoiding nasal passages and bringing forth the eyes tears/
I made a fucking pile of this shit in the midst of my cortex/
But it wouldn’t sit still like a bunch of shell shocked war vets/
Caused crashing avalanches of chopped up language/
Leaving me with just locked up and boxed up anguish/
So we start it again building from the ground up/
Making sturdy foundations from algebra I ground up/
Start posts and beams built from rhyming techniques/
Multi-syllables spanning over five lines at it’s peak/
With wordplay hanging off the syllable count/
And creativity strapped to fucking killing the sound/
But there was so much load it started to buckle and sway/
Coz it seems every idea I have just doubles every day/
So I decided to tap the gasoline straight from the bone core/
And grabbed a little bit of that fucked up fire that I’m known for/
Make sure everything’s soaked, laugh as I set something alit/
Watched the motherfucker burn down, saying “Fuckit I quit”/

It's sleepy time, I'll feed l8er.

[VicValSwift]

Damn yo.. this thread died quick as hell.. no one commented my last two verses lol..

But Ringer I was feeling that verse, a bit long bit was a solid piece, a few lines seemed somewhat awkward but it was dope... here's some recent stuff I wrote:

A true reception of life with a new perception
Inhibits the tendency to construe conceptions
Detectin' the message that was left hidden
Headphones plugged in, reflectin' respect given
Fingers numb from the cold, clutching my jacket cloth
Writing a verse, occasionally slacking off
Gray concrete and skies, breathing the icy air
Nike airs, and not paying the pricey fair
Of a product, flooded streets dabbed in clouds of cotton
Remembering life's lessons now forgotten
Proud and rotten, wandering the maze of street blocks
Mystical rhymes, cynical minds, sustained peace talks
Beat box and knowledge to complete the cypher
Freestylin' daily to a feat of higher
Elevation, everyday is the luck of the draw
Banging on doors with steel fists 'til my knuckles are raw

Fuck a brainstorm, my thoughts tear the sky asunder
Causing disorder and chaos wielding a titan's thunder
It's leaving your ears numb with the worst paralysis
You'll find nothing if you search with a verse analysis
Pen's so hot, it's burning the tips of my fingers
But the sound is sweet like tunes from the lips of a singer
With words absurd, containing a primal rage
I turn a cold shoulder to freeze the tidal waves
Of fire, in the hearth of earth, a burning desire
Exists to assist the innate learning inspired
By my past mistakes, so while I'm laying fast awake
I face the task of relieving all my massive aches
So I look to the sky, to the clouds' hearts of darkness
They start to part, showing me this art to spark this
Math of flames within my brain, tryna catch the rain
So it washes my shirt and the dirt attached to pain