[Mode]

aight, i'm putting this up for people who want feedback on their rhymes.. this doesn't have to be reserved for your best rhymes or anything, an if new emcee's want feed on what would be needed to improve etc.. but you don't even have to post rhymes if you don't want to.. just be a good samaritan an give people some feedback, constructive critisim will help us all improve.

rules - you must give feedback to the person before you before you post a rhyme you want feedback on.. an not junk like 'thats good, flow was good.' you need more than that.

anyway, i'm workin on a track an to start off i'll post up what i got for it so far an can i get some feed? called "hip hop's too nice... too pretty" (it's also in the freestyle session)

hip hops lost flavour, all these clownin kats,
who found an act, talkin shit, sayin they down an that,
their sound is wack, but now the underground is back,
abusing the lyrics uncouth to who's interferin,
the youth who's choosin to hear it get infused with the siprits,
the few who usually fear it open their views to the music,
the reviews are confusin, giving props to pop artists,
i stop an i'm startled 'cos props for robots are retarded,
i've studied the sheep, their muddled an weak,
thinkin they thuggin the streets these motherfuckers are cheap,
labels are trife, i'm labelled as tight i'm stable in strife,
an toys who cradle a mic aint able to write a tale or rhyme,
this society tires me, only hightens anxiety,
inside a me fires incite desires of violence an rivalry,
fakers are plagues that take to the stage ya right it's trifle,
never mind these idols disguisin mimed recitles…'

peace

[sueywuey]

I'm new to the FRS business hehe, okay, feedback...

I liked it alot, I've not seen many rhymes in here on the same topic so that was dope. Flow was tight too... I can't think of anything else, forgive me Mode

----------------------------------------------------------
I mentally arrange all the pieces called words
Make ya think quick like a servant for a lord
When I rhyme y’all can’t be slackin’
Listen up, see where y’all be lackin’
When I’m inspired my mind takes over
Pen and paper close as if they were lovers
I see the same as you but I save it for later
And drop it on the beat,
Like a moon with it’s craters
Make you feel empty, failed, un-inspired.

so, yeah first draft, tell me what y'all think, the last two lines need work I know..

Peace

[Zodiak Stizo]

Hhhhhhmmmmmm, like the way the flow went. Like the thing bout shit talkers to po artists

the reviews are confusin, giving props to pop artists,
i stop an i'm startled 'cos props for robots are retarded,
~real nice. Makes me think of how setup things are for many artists

last 3 bars and line sound personal and deep. Makes me think of old school mc's rappin around the block...the way you worded it

[Mode]

yeah thanks zodiak, but what about sueyway? give her some feed..

sueway - first time, was nice i liked it, flow was on point for the most of it, eventually start trying some inners an multies to up the flow a little..

When I’m inspired my mind takes over
Pen and paper close as if they were lovers
^ i really like that line ^

the ending leaves you wanting more.. you have nice idea's, vocab is good.. don't know what else much more to say, keep it up.

peace.

[XxKiLlA KaiZxX]

I mentally arrange all the pieces called words
Make ya think quick like a servant for a lord
when i read it, it didn't work too well cuz lord and words don't really sound similar. plus the 'think quick'/'servant for a lord' thing wasn't that good a bit of wordplay...if that was whut u was goin for.
When I rhyme y’all can’t be slackin’
Listen up, see where y’all be lackin’
this was better structured, still basic but it had a similar syllable count which helped with the flow
When I’m inspired my mind takes over
Pen and paper close as if they were lovers
i thought this was cool, deep ish. the only thing i didn't like was that i dun see 'over' and 'lovers' as rhyming words...as similarly written as they are
I see the same as you but I save it for later
And drop it on the beat,
Like a moon with it’s craters
i figured this was jus one bar cuz the second line didn't rhyme wit the first. other than that, it had simple wordplay...
Make you feel empty, failed, un-inspired.
umm i'll jus guess it's not finished....cuz u sed it was a draft...if this was the actual thing, major work is needed...jus keep at it and work wit full effort, you'll be fine. okay hope i helped now it's my turn for my verse to get some feedback.

this is suppose to be a half gangsta type verse. his idea, which is the usual on other boards. i kinda drifted off on certain places and this is the first draft....with spelling edits though. his name's J-Quigz btw. the numbers at the side are the amount of barz....

-----------------
yeah, Quigz and Kaiz...tellin y'all waz good...

showin y'all was go-in-on, this beat i'm flow-in-on,
ILL DEFz the team is grow-in-on, this rap ish? i'm hold-in-on.1
and i'm showin y'all, wit the help of J, whut it means to be gangsta,
cuz ya missin the point that i'm tryin to crank-out,2
cuz peeps be mis-lead-ed, been-read-in wrong-text,
from wrong-vets, this track's a long-threat for y'all to gon'-get.3
no need for a ham-ma, no need for me to shank-ya,
jus bang-out the truth and take care of ya mat-ters.4
cuz whut matters, is ya fam, friends, and spiritual factors,
wit vast-verbs, i blast-terms to make sure i've mastered,5
whut needs to be mastered, one of them is keep-rep-pin,
niggas keep-step-pin, cuz they know my clips set-tin, and no way the heat's-lettin.6
dun wanna be re-grettin, mes-sin-wit-Kaiz,
gues-sin-my-ways, leave niggas dazed-an-amazed.7
cuz in the little time, i've been raised, up to be the best i can be,
an astound-g, reppin Qweenz, keepin it down-see.8
and to me, y'all sound weak, and i've bound-thee, to knowin nuthin,
these tracks is cut-tin, pum-pin more shit than Joe Bud-den.9
one last and final bar for me to teach-to-the-youth,
make sure u take care of bizness and speak-the-truth, to the least-of-you.10

wun**1**

[XxKiLlA KaiZxX]

ON MODE'S POST: i dun really think i needa break it down, mad multies as usual. Good point to it, flow was on. the usual shit u drop lol

and now i have another one that i'mma post here. It's for a track i'm gonna be workin on this week, called "Summer Night" which is on the Devize "Summer Night" beat. this was only the keystyle version and no actual edittin has been made other than putting little lines so show multies better and make the tone more visible. crap like that...

------------------------

yo back-in-the-day, i was jus passin-my-days,
passin-the-stage, rap wasn't in, jus raps-in-my-brain.
but now, i'm rackin-my-brains, cuz my heart's full of disdain,
i can't believe these niggas think they down wit me mayne. (man)
any now i'm sayin, shit done happen in my time,
i never could shine, and i kept quiet about tryin to rhyme.
but denyin-my-rhymes, would be like denyin-my-life,
like applyin-the-right, words, i wish i could be denyin-my-strife.
cuz, ppl i use to hang out wit, now jus out-right
pissing me off, i'm heat-ed,
their words leave me depleat-ed, it's like my life's been cheat-ed.
so now it's jus fuck-friends, and fuck-fakers,
and fuck-sets, and fuck-haters, i'm here to fuck-first and love-later.
i'm tired of this shit, nobody seems to get-me,
can someone let-me jus walk the streets in peace and rep my-set, please?

and if not then fuck you too, cuz i ain't waistin my summer night

------------------------

wun**1**

[Mode]

killa kaiz no.1

nice flow in your verse.. good use of multies.. it's a norm self promotion track, nothin wrong with that but i can't really comment on the content, had some nice lines in there though.. just know you got a nice flow an your word usage etc is nice, keep it up..

2nd

i peeped the audio track to so i'll post feed in here.. you had a good presence on the mic.. like the use of two voices to emphasise the lines.. some lines seemed a little stretched when you spit it. but flow was pretty good for the most part.. nice use of multies, was a good theme an you stayed on it well...

peace.

[bboyarfen]

kaiz...liked the first verse alot...usin inners an multies and shit. Your flows pretty dope, I was feelin it.

cuz peeps be mis-lead-ed, been-read-in wrong-text,
from wrong-vets, this track's a long-threat for y'all to gon'-get.3
that was dope^


and i'm showin y'all, wit the help of J, whut it means to be gangsta,
cuz ya missin the point that i'm tryin to crank-out,2
^didn't really get what was goin on here though. That was the only line in your verse that I thought didn't really fit. Maybe if you changed up the rhyme...

wrote this when I was workin on my flow and presence when I spit...

angry at this, I bring quick spits in a time when its not fit/
livid with this, stuck bringin it with my lyrics as they hit/
cheerin for my spits, ya’ll be hearin what I’m feelin/
dealin it with expression, every dimension is mine…here for the stealin/
mainstream is a crime…its cut an not healin/
simply somethin that’s not real, all about money an the record deal/
just can’t be real, when gats on cats is ya subject for every verse/
spurts of violence, gunfire then silence/
undermines it, just make music so people buy it/
can’t disguise it, fly kids who buy ya shit, get hit with messages/
impressions live, lessons redid, made into lesser-kids/
boundaries give, barriers change an rearrange/
whats normal become plain, go against the grain/
flow until ya brainwaves undergo change/
slip into a state…rip a clean slate/
when ya feelin great, remember this name…

ARFEN...WAHOO!!!

[sueywuey]

I liked the content of your rhyme, I don't know if it flowed right in all places though but that mighta just been the way I was reading it? Heheh, I don't know.

just can’t be real, when gats on cats is ya subject for every verse/
spurts of violence, gunfire then silence/


I like this line but maybe lengthen the 2nd line so it flows nice - but I'm new ta all this so you don't have to listen to what I say.
---------------------------------------------
This is a rhyme about me wanting to write but I couldn't cos I had writers block!

Hip Hop is the only background noise
as I sit and think with my pen poised.
But this time I've got writers block
Tryin' hard but no flows ta rock
My page blank, empty and waitin'
A magnet, for bad ratings, much hatin'
My ideas, my mental photos disabled.
Undeveloped, trying but unable
Ta flow nice, and rhyme twice
Ta work this, this lyrical business.
-----------------------------------------------
I posted this also in the Deep flows, but I can remove it from there if its clogging up the boards. I am reluctant to post in here cos I don't know what to say as feedback hehe so just forgive me if I'm speaking a bunch of poo, like now, rambling.

Anyways, that was my 2nd ever flow , check it.

[XxKiLlA KaiZxX]

Hip Hop is the only background noise
as I sit and think with my pen poised.
i liked this one, very good flow, decent opener. exact syllable count
But this time I've got writers block
Tryin' hard but no flows ta rock
once again good flow, exact syllable count
My page blank, empty and waitin'
A magnet, for bad ratings, much hatin'
flow was pretty good on this one too, a lot more technique shown in this bar than the above ones
My ideas, my mental photos disabled.
Undeveloped, trying but unable
decent flow, stook to topic.
Ta flow nice, and rhyme twice
Ta work this, this lyrical business.
i didn't really like this ending, if u added a couple words and rhymed with 'twice' again it'd be more effective....to me anyway lol.

anyways jus givin my ideas. i'mma bring some feedback on arfen's later.....too long lol.

wun**1**

check my new track btw. "summer night" on soundclick.

[XxKiLlA KaiZxX]

ARFEN: i thought your verse was pretty good, flow was off on some points but much use of multies throughout the verse.

MY FAVORITE PARTS - Best -> Not Best lol.

just can’t be real, when gats on cats is ya subject for every verse/
spurts of violence, gunfire then silence/
undermines it, just make music so people buy it/
------------
can’t disguise it, fly kids who buy ya shit, get hit with messages/
impressions live, lessons redid, made into lesser-kids/
------------
angry at this, I bring quick spits in a time when its not fit/
livid with this, stuck bringin it with my lyrics as they hit/
cheerin for my spits, ya’ll be hearin what I’m feelin/
dealin it with expression, every dimension is mine…here for the stealin/

keep it up man.

wun**1**

i'll prob come back here wit another verse since i'm gonna be writin more rhymes and a children's author this week.

[Aura]

Suey, you're getting better girl for real. I like that one better then the first.

Your intro was real nice. And these bars were tight on wordplay and flow.

My page blank, empty and waitin'
A magnet, for bad ratings, much hatin'
My ideas, my mental photos disabled.
Undeveloped, trying but unable

The only thing I thought could use some attention was your last line, which should be a bar. You leave it hanging and I think you did in your first rhyme in here as well. Once you keep writing, you'll start writing longer n longer verses, but for now, you're doing really well. You have some creative ideas.

________________________________________________

Here's half a rhyme I'm working on. It's going to be two parts. I want REALLY good feed on this, because my thoughts on this run deep.

Feels like I'd be better off with my eyes closed
A constant blindfold... cuz this world can be cold
And people can be vein
Girls under the knife for a life of fame
It's a shame, but who's to blame?
Is it low self-esteem or society?
Seems insane that a variety of girls that are beautiful
Are dying to be the Playboy's next recruitable
America's top hottie, forget their minds they want the body
And they want it gaudy
So they pay for implants and injections
Just to make men dance with erections
They catch infections
Lead a life with no direction
And then rejection sets in and takes it toll
Once a beautiful girl, now living in a dark hole
She's looking around like where'd the time go?
Crying cuz she wasted her life to be the top hoe

(hook)
I don't like it and I really don't get it
Society can be incredibly pathetic
With everything that's expected
But it is what it is so I just accept it


[the 2nd verse will be about men's reactions and why SOME girls do what they do. I want to expand on my first verse and hook, need feed.....in depth please ]

[razorbrain]

aura-

very interestin topic.. you followed it very will and kept on subject flow was alil off in the begining, but ya got back onand recovered..it seems this owuld be one i would wanna hear vocally to better catch it.. there was alot of emotion in this you can tell by the way your bringing this across.. my advice is find a beat to this see what can make you feel the same way on beat, that way you can test ya verse and see the length and flow actually match.. hook might be short..not sure.. its dark for sure though interesting none the less.. waiting for the second verse

________________________________________________
ok this is a verse im droppin in a song im makin.. figured ill put the word up so you can know what it means when i finish the song..


"... quintesential, are the words that spring from mental/
forged form wisdom, not just pain, but no less influential//
Hard talk, soft spoken; cool demeanor, hot temper/
rock all summer long, then i roll into the winter//
positive and negative, equal parts yin and yang/
the sword AND the shield; proper english and my ghetto slang//
used to get my points across all walks of life/
leaving thoughts for you to chew on; truth is filled in every bite!/
TRUE art is what i seek; expression of it i demand/closed minded fists, could never hold whats shown to open hands!//
telegraphed answers, are avoided with ease/
knowledge hits the hardest hidden and delivered with speed//
its the ebb and flow that keeps us in CIRCLES until in INFINITY/
Signs show us Lives, like Time can move continually//
Into the night, which is just a, prodct of sight/
Cuz darkness cannot be seen witout the presence light//
and light, just isnt as bright without the presence of dark/
much like 2 peas ina pod born worlds apart//
a heart bat lasts for ever if you live for the moment/
so cherish and hold it/ cuz you wont get it back and ya know it/ its golden//
sepperate but equal was wack/
what help to our people was that?/
its like, blazing a trail then ya cover the tracks//
dichology- easy to explain, hard to understand/
more than my philosophy, its the essence of man!///" end of verse

[Mode]

razor - nice use of words, was good seein somethin fresh too.. nice concept/theme, flow was nice throughout your verse, good wordplay, a thinking mans verse.. audio - nice beat, different flows for you i thought.. flows was nice all the way till the last couple bars where it went of a little i thought.. overall it's a nice drop with a fresh/good theme..

here's a little somethin i was puttin together for a kinda meaningful track.. just some people 'round me being stupid.. an just shit about people not being themselves.. being fake.. an chicks who use people etc..

i think these days people worry to much,
watch what you do feel sorry an such,
yeah of course they good traits to have,
but does being myself really make me bad?
the fake are sad, i mean look at yourselves,
you wanna lose friends just lookin for wealth?
men make money money don't make men,
you a fake honey honey don't take cents,
think for yourself man don't act hard,
ya think makin wealth's gon' take back scars?
this is for everyone, ya'll listen up,
open your minds, ya'll this is fucked,
be free an live a little give a little,
you'll find in return kids'll listen to you,
an follow your lead, be nice,
think twice an wont wallow in greed,
lifes a test an you aint passin it dude,
ya tryin to hard an we laughin at you,
hard an it's true, but lose your mind,
think before you say an choose ya time,
i choose to rhyme, put my thoughts on papers,
ya'll can think i'm stupid, but my thoughts not wasted,
in the port i'm stationed, ships stream from the docks,
i could spit forever, but times leaving the clock..

[Zeke1]

sorry, forgot to post so feedback....

MODE....nice content, sounds like a good thought provoking message, i could tell your contiplating siuations around you and putting them into emotional verses.....it seemd like you could fix it up for some parts to flow better...overall, your elevating way above from what you started at!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heres a verse i put together in about 10 minutes late one night not being able to sleep...

on lighter notes of deathly dying doves
speaks wisdom of inside finding loves
freaks weak speech a of playground shove

ridiculed for stagebound stray found, a slithering stud...
vocab not so bad, slowed back on bud... so thoughts refromed from mud

untouchable, yet fuckable, the male ego takes over
a brother of some other thoughts to provoke
a moment full of time, to decide if i love her
cell conversations made me feel so close yet below her

far from the spot which life now rescides
but distance in passion, can not be defined
and time after time a fine line is designed
when true love and present life drastically coallide......

fate could make a decision thats not controllable
ill make the same mistake an insane inmate makes on parral unheard....
the verdicts word...my times absurdly buring, in the worst burst of her yearning........... storm the cower to her outer form formally acceptant....normally pleasent......i fear she'll just slap me................................................ .........................and will i make her happy.....