[BboyAbu]

^ damm thats ure first post lol
dope shit

[G.Wiz]

Originally Posted by BboyAbu ^ damm thats ure first post lol dope shit

Thanks, bro. =]

[Mantic]

Originally Posted by Backfire Haven't posted ish for a while so check it... called chemistry i think lol Dropping science time for chemistry with Hennessey/ Others say hydro-gin is number 1 and I tend to agree/ We got more than 4 elements, exactly 1-1-7/ All relevant, these discoveries were bigger than elephants/ From intelligent gentlemen with pencils and penicillin/ My pen is willing to jot on spots around blocks of letters filling/ The page, instilling values of different atomic weights/ I glance at them trying to memorize francium’s place/ Advancing chem’s state, as I floor the scene with fluorine/ To those that wanna see my flow, look at pool with chlorine/ So esteemed, spiting so hot it’s sublimating ice to steam/ Almost forgot my Burns are more watched then Simpsons been/ It’s obscene how everyone that smokes green tries to remember shit/ Got a pot club membership by exhaling a smoke screen/ All these guys are crack addicts but I’m the dope fiend/ Delta9-THC inhibits the brain create jokes from flame/ After hitting the delta9 it seems like I’m not the same/ Pot’s to blame, but legalized it helps depression, stock exchange/ Feeling rising, got Visine to keep the eyes clean if necessary/ I’d marry Mary to be merry if she were a real lady/ Got munchies, can’t even count the carbs I ate/ But add a carb on three oxygen and I’ll get a carbonate/ Can’t battle this, a catalyst break down emcees like enzymes/ And spends time as a rap artist has a list of 1010 rhymes/ All hazardous like crawling in puddles of mercury/ Stellar spits so sick that nurse’s get puzzled when curing me/ Alerting peeps immediately bout to blow up it’s scaring men/ Cause style’s more reactive than water mixed with caesarium/ Ruling like Caesar’s ummm…fuck it just that very man/ I clearly am intimidating, when my verse is illustrating the track/ You argon fast like noble gas while I’m educating a class/

ima be as realistik as i can.. you aint gotten no feed couse you aint read the rules... if you new then i suggest you drop feedback ELABORATED from your previous poster beofre you drop ya own... for example check out the dudes who quoted... its how it goes... or else ya drop will be ignored...


anyways i wount drop ya elaborated bar by bar couse honestly i dont have time and im not gonna drop but i figured id drop you some feed since im a good guy haha... anyways nah you on the right flow... try to make some more sence though, i went by a title ¨chemistry¨¨figuresd id get some crazy shit here and its what i got couse i didnt understand shit... guess i need my ph scale haha nah jk. Do drop shit thuogh lke you doin, multies aint there but trust me all that aint really somthing you need as long as you get ya point acros... since to me this is a freeverse then its iight i guess but if it aint.. stay on topic. Its all i can say for now... dont go by the fsf guides couse to me its just a copy of the guides that dobb, puerto and me did a few years back ahhaa but yea do what you do... keep writing and you will deff elevate to were you wanna be... drop more personal shit and you will elevate faster... trust me on that anyways be ez... peace

[Mantic]

G wiz... uhh honestly dunno why ya droppin mixtapes go ahead and drop actual Cds... trust me itll make you loose less time... anywyas just my personal and professional opinion... be ez..

peace

[Backfire]

Originally Posted by Mantic ima be as realistik as i can.. you aint gotten no feed couse you aint read the rules... if you new then i suggest you drop feedback ELABORATED from your previous poster beofre you drop ya own... for example check out the dudes who quoted... its how it goes... or else ya drop will be ignored...

thanks for the feed bro and i have given bar by bar feedback before but i don't always have time and i did give feed after i posted my rhyme....a lot of other people who posted after me gave no feed...anyways thanks again for the feedback, i guess i gotta work on articulating my ideas more.

[Ambition]

Picture perfect composier/ posed like a poetic poster/
pussys playin possum/ playaz plottin holsters/
pathetic posse's actin soldiers/ regretting what is actually evolved from, media hype/
Teenyboppers bounce to beats and seemingly recite/ empty lyrics spit through once meaningful mic's/
But that MC's sould his soul for beamers and headlights...

there's more but I can't find the pages, anyway the first written lyrics I've ever shared with anyone so feedback would be much appreciated.

Also another I can remember from the top of my head is.
Should sirens seem asleep/ as violence streams the streets/
Satan seeps into the weak/ seathin sadistic slogans so their subconscience slowly speaks murder, insane/
but we only see the result, not the formula for pain/

Alot of my lyrics start based on onamatapaeia [spelling?] anyway it's 4am here and i need my sleep so... Peace, Ambition

[Czril]

About the first part, nothing much to say from me, its good, at first its hard to see what youre getting at but its clear in the end.Nice play on similar words.I'm a beginner so I cant say much about technicalities I havent learned yet.
The second one is good.
BUT the lines : Satan seeps into the weak/ seathin sadistic slogans so their subconscience slowly speaks murder, insane/
Cuts the flow slightly compared to the start.

here is how I would have done it to keep the flow :
Satan seeps into the weak/ seathin sadistic slogans until their subconscience reaches murderous peaks/
As they slowly become insane/ we only see the result, not the formula for pain.
But thats my opinon and it might transform the meaning of what you intended to say.
Both have good flow.


Here go a couple of lines I just put together :

they give you the vote as right,
so that you will not fight,
presented as an obligation,
they forget the laws they made to rule a nation,
and in growing consternation,
we all face sefl induced obliteration,
the media always seeking better sensation,
while the people watch without any exclamation,
the fault descends unto individuals,
an guiltily they try to stop using fuel,
while major corporations fuck up our planet,
the politicians shake hands and tell us about the market,
they talk about economic growth,
and swear over the bible false oath,
when in reality governments stand idle,
while they feed you shit like american idol,
forever flase choice will be given,
still the poor man's life is prison,
feeding their ideal of freedom,
to the gullible one it seems wholesome,
they smile down to us and while we follow,
they empty our wallets and leave us hollow.

[Diamond]

Ok i'ma start off with givin a little positive ish before I get right down to it. Your subject matter is nice, you have a good direction to head in. Now, your flow is basic and really not very good for the most part, you need to actually say shit out loud and see how well it all rolls together. Your rhymes also are really basic, this is part of the reason your flow is so weak, you need to try and construct something that rhymes more than the last sylable because at times a 1 sylable rhyme will make a very weak impact as it doesn't stand out as rhyming very well. Lastly although your direction is good you didn't go any deeper than the cliche shit everyone says on this topic, in fact it seems like you barely even know about what you're writing. You need to do shit like this a lot more intelligently than you are doing otherwise it seems half-assed. That being said, work hard and you'll improve.

[Czril]

Feedback may not be too positive but I appreciate it thx man for beign honest and actually saying what genuilnley sucks! Its only like that we can improve.

[catsy]

Originally Posted by Ambition Picture perfect composier/ posed like a poetic poster/ pussys playin possum/ playaz plottin holsters/ pathetic posse's actin soldiers/ regretting what is actually evolved from, media hype/ Teenyboppers bounce to beats and seemingly recite/ empty lyrics spit through once meaningful mic's/ But that MC's sould his soul for beamers and headlights... there's more but I can't find the pages, anyway the first written lyrics I've ever shared with anyone so feedback would be much appreciated. Also another I can remember from the top of my head is. Should sirens seem asleep/ as violence streams the streets/ Satan seeps into the weak/ seathin sadistic slogans so their subconscience slowly speaks murder, insane/ but we only see the result, not the formula for pain/ Alot of my lyrics start based on onamatapaeia [spelling?] anyway it's 4am here and i need my sleep so... Peace, Ambition

Do you mean alliteration (where the words begin the same letter)?

[Transcendent]

Originally Posted by catsy Do you mean alliteration (where the words begin the same letter)?

I believe he did. Onomatopoeia is when words sound like sounds, for example: boom, kapow, etc.

[mrtwister]

I'm a newbie at this,so Maybe I'll mess up or sumthin',just want feedback xD

Here:
Who do you think you are,actin' big like you're da boss?
You're nothing but a motherfucker,who would cry when you get tossed.
Even in front of the ugliest girl you'll beg and Bend your leg,
Askin' for love but ain't gettin' any,coz You're like dusts in a tomb,What can you do but spendin' money,sit and run to your mom?

[amecrussel]

Dear twist. I feel like maybe you should take a more tactical than badass approach, although the aggression is nice, it is shrouded in weak rhymes, unpolished flow... If you speak it out loud, listen to how the second line is so much harder to make sound good than the first. Then you lose it in your third and fourth lines completely. Didn't hear any rhymes except leg and beg. Maybe think a little about how you want to sound before you spit. Read around for examples of better flow and you'll get a feel for it. Also, break up lines in a logical way, see the stickies.

This is something that i wrote a week ago when i was angry about school, so it comes off as whiny and shit but it is pretty typical in terms of how i tend to flow and put lines together. Thank you for reading.

i admit some skepticism in the realm of academics
you spend your whole damn life learning how to be systemic
and precise, you're enticed by genetics, cryogenics,
how to end world poverty, how to prevent epidemics,
you waste your life, biding haste, finding new ways
to extend and improve it. you number your days,
only to spend yourself, lose it, and become a cliche:
senioritis, education, mid life crisis. You decay,
recognise the propegation of societal conformity,
realise you're starting to see the world in its enormity,
meanwhile your friends and family see you as cultural deformity,
you explore the countercultures offered by your bored city
until you run out of money and lose orientation
maybe your condemnation of society was a misinterpretation
of opportunities you missed? now pissed and dodging starvation
you try to decipher how to succeed in this big sad nation

[BabyCube]

It's good you can use bigwords amecrussel, but don't overuse it or you will confuse alot of people, also don't just use them for the sake of using them.
For example, what does cryogenics have to do with the rest of that sentence?
Most of what you put together is good though, keep it up.

[RingerINC]

Who are you people? I'm drunl.