[Transcendent]

Topic: You're with a friend and he gets shot and dies. You take revenge. The scenario, whether you two are in a gang or pulling a heist or whatever is up to you, as is whether you take immediate revenge or plan it out.

Votes to Win: 3-0 KO, 4-1 TKO, First to 5

Unlimited Bars

You issued the challenge so you go first.

[AJTL]

Fuck this whole thing already, I couldnt keep on track, on flow, or on nothing. Damn story telling is hard, well anyway heres what i got... Sorry if you cant even read it.

One day my friend and I walked in the store to buy some food
but to our surprise, the shop was being robbed by goons
when they spotted us, a shot went off, so I ran out the door
as far n fast as I could till I couldn't run no more
I tried to catch my breath, and then I checked on my friend
problem was he wasn't there, did he ditch me again?
I went to get some rest, and I would check him in the morning
but the next day when I saw him, all I did was start mourning
he wasn't at his home, I seen him on the TV
found on the street, teenage victim of a robbery
after that I felt like crap because I left him to die
so I promised myself, I would avenge his life
on the news they had a tape that showed all the goons faces
so I tried to memorize them, till I got alot a headaches
embedded their features inside of my mind
cuz some time in the future, I will take their lives
fuck plannin' ima go and search around the town
and when I find em ima gun all of those muthafuckas down
then about a week later, I found out alot of info
I heard about a place where the goons meet and go
a little place where they all of their drugs
but the problem was it was heavy guarded by thugs
who stacked with guns, how was I gonna get in?
I sat n started thinkin' how was I gonna do this
so I came up with a way, to infiltrate at night
I went to my cousin's to borrow his mac
its time for vengeance, time to get those goons back
that night I sneaked to the roof and got myself inside
but when I got in it was really empty and quiet
but then I heard a couple guys laughin n ramblin
and when I peeked thru the door, I saw all the goons gamblin
I was like; "fuck the money, now your lives are at stake!"
I burst through the door, then I let the gun spray
with my eyes closed I yelled; "This is for my friend!"
n' when I opened em again, I saw all the goons dead
layin in their own blood, kinda like my friend did
then fuck, I realized I became just like them!
see revenge made blind! I didn't plan a way out
so a thug came in the room and put a gun in my mouth
then when he saw all the goons drownin in blood pools
he put his finger on the trigger, and then I saw em pull...

Wowww damn that was long


EDIT: WTFs happenin to bboy.org??? It takes to long to load then says Connection Inturrupted, or soem shit like that. Or is it just firefox

[Transcendent]

When I see this thread in the forum, it says AJTL had the last post but when I come in here I see that it recognized that I posted my verse.

I'll just post it again to make sure.


Here’s my recollection of the last years of my existence./
My name is Kristian and here’s how it played inside my vision./
It involves my homie Ryan, the best friend I ever had./
And here’s how it happened, we started off lonely, pretty sad./
Two misfits in the universe, we always felt so out of place./
No one cared ‘bout us at all, could disappear without a trace./
Til one day we found each other, we were homies in an instant./
Turned into brothers like no others, the opposite of distant./
And as the years went by, we stuck by each other’s side./
Wanted to be inside a group together, so we were down to ride./
Joined the South Side, shaved heads and blue rags we rockin’ now./
Danger eminent, but felt pride when our guns go *POW*/
But now, here’s where the story starts to take a drastic turn./
In fact it’s how we’ll both end up just ash in plastic urns./
Guarding our turf was our assignment, quite a simple mission./
Til some Nortenos pulled up strapped with shit for demolition./
Unloading rounds like no tomorrow, we quickly jumped for safety./
No vest on either chest, dangerous to let ‘em strafe me./
I was cautious in the firefight, but Ryan got too careless./
He was filled with lead instantly, and soon all the despair hit./
As I watched my homie falter, time just seemed to stand still./
Bullets flying while I'm crying, another soul in Satan's landfill./
Touched the wound and I saw the blood from his hand spill./
His eyes go glazed, I go crazed, shooting everyone I can kill./
Bullet shells are everywhere, and there’s blood on every surface./
I’ve become the spawn of evil, killing my only purpose./
Resistance worthless, I’ll eliminate all of the opposition./
A volition and ambition to fill my foes with ammunition./
In addition, no recognition of projectiles inside of me./
In spite of me, fall to the ground like Goliath struck the side of me./
And while I breathe, the world seems to fade to black./
But I still attack, shoot ‘em in the back like a spinal tap./
This is my final act, my time on Earth almost depleted./
I have been defeated but I’m proud, I never retreated./
I look over at Ryan, tears fall but I smile vibrantly./
Say “See you in the after life” and start dying silently./

[Khaled]

Originally Posted by AJTL Fuck this whole thing already, I couldnt keep on track, on flow, or on nothing. Damn story telling is hard, well anyway heres what i got... Sorry if you cant even read it. One day my friend and I walked in the store to buy some food but to our surprise, the shop was being robbed by goons when they spotted us, a shot went off, so I ran out the door as far n fast as I could till I couldn't run no more I tried to catch my breath, and then I checked on my friend problem was he wasn't there, did he ditch me again? I went to get some rest, and I would check him in the morning but the next day when I saw him, all I did was start mourning he wasn't at his home, I seen him on the TV found on the street, teenage victim of a robbery after that I felt like crap because I left him to die so I promised myself, I would avenge his life on the news they had a tape that showed all the goons faces so I tried to memorize them, till I got alot a headaches embedded their features inside of my mind cuz some time in the future, I will take their lives fuck plannin' ima go and search around the town and when I find em ima gun all of those muthafuckas down then about a week later, I found out alot of info I heard about a place where the goons meet and go a little place where they all of their drugs but the problem was it was heavy guarded by thugs who stacked with guns, how was I gonna get in? I sat n started thinkin' how was I gonna do this so I came up with a way, to infiltrate at night I went to my cousin's to borrow his mac its time for vengeance, time to get those goons back that night I sneaked to the roof and got myself inside but when I got in it was really empty and quiet but then I heard a couple guys laughin n ramblin and when I peeked thru the door, I saw all the goons gamblin I was like; "fuck the money, now your lives are at stake!" I burst through the door, then I let the gun spray with my eyes closed I yelled; "This is for my friend!" n' when I opened em again, I saw all the goons dead layin in their own blood, kinda like my friend did then fuck, I realized I became just like them! see revenge made blind! I didn't plan a way out so a thug came in the room and put a gun in my mouth then when he saw all the goons drownin in blood pools he put his finger on the trigger, and then I saw em pull... Wowww damn that was long EDIT: WTFs happenin to bboy.org??? It takes to long to load then says Connection Inturrupted, or soem shit like that. Or is it just firefox

Flow was inconsitant but i was following with the story. You took too long climbing to the climbax and then like ending it too fast. Stayed on topic tho. Didn't really feel the "goons" word. it was Kinda naive imo with simple vocab.

Originally Posted by 61!/V9 When I see this thread in the forum, it says AJTL had the last post but when I come in here I see that it recognized that I posted my verse. I'll just post it again to make sure. Here’s my recollection of the last years of my existence./ My name is Kristian and here’s how it played inside my vision./ It involves my homie Ryan, the best friend I ever had./ And here’s how it happened, we started off lonely, pretty sad./ Two misfits in the universe, we always felt so out of place./ No one cared ‘bout us at all, could disappear without a trace./ Til one day we found each other, we were homies in an instant./ Turned into brothers like no others, the opposite of distant./ And as the years went by, we stuck by each other’s side./ Wanted to be inside a group together, so we were down to ride./ Joined the South Side, shaved heads and blue rags we rockin’ now./ Danger eminent, but felt pride when our guns go *POW*/ But now, here’s where the story starts to take a drastic turn./ In fact it’s how we’ll both end up just ash in plastic urns./ Guarding our turf was our assignment, quite a simple mission./ Til some Nortenos pulled up strapped with shit for demolition./ Unloading rounds like no tomorrow, we quickly jumped for safety./ No vest on either chest, dangerous to let ‘em strafe me./ I was cautious in the firefight, but Ryan got too careless./ He was filled with lead instantly, and soon all the despair hit./ As I watched my homie falter, time just seemed to stand still./ Bullets flying while I'm crying, another soul in Satan's landfill./ Touched the wound and I saw the blood from his hand spill./ His eyes go glazed, I go crazed, shooting everyone I can kill./ Bullet shells are everywhere, and there’s blood on every surface./ I’ve become the spawn of evil, killing my only purpose./ Resistance worthless, I’ll eliminate all of the opposition./ A volition and ambition to fill my foes with ammunition./ In addition, no recognition of projectiles inside of me./ In spite of me, fall to the ground like Goliath struck the side of me./ And while I breathe, the world seems to fade to black./ But I still attack, shoot ‘em in the back like a spinal tap./ This is my final act, my time on Earth almost depleted./ I have been defeated but I’m proud, I never retreated./ I look over at Ryan, tears fall but I smile vibrantly./ Say “See you in the after life” and start dying silently./

no offence but the begginng was too affectionate and sounded gay to me. Too much affection coulda been cut down and been more "homeboyish" then loveish. Nice flows and inners and multis and shit. Vocab was elevated a bit.
Favorite line:

Bullets flying while I'm crying, another soul in Satan's landfill./


Vote for: Bling (61!/V9)

[Elbee]

I'm get at this later tonight. Gonna nap first.

EDIT:
Okay, done going through your verses. Judging by how long the verses are, bet you'd be pissed if I give a rather brief explanation, but it can't be help. I ain't elaborating on every stage and progress made in the story.

AJTL
Just as you have said, flow was very iffy. The story was kinda predictable in the early parts but the ending was a real twist and I really liked it. Rhyme schemes were simple and vocab was lacking.

Bling
I concur that the opening was a tad bit gay but it was very good nevertheless. The story is pretty predictable but the way you described it kept me intrigued. Vocab was there, a few attempts at multis, flow was okay. Very descriptive piece. One of the most detailed topical i have ever read.

Bling gmv

[FFWB]

Vote goes to Bling. If you want to know why, keep reading, if not...

Bling
Good start, didn't find it gay really. As it escalated I was feeling it until:

But now, here’s where the story starts to take a drastic turn./
In fact it’s how we’ll both end up just ash in plastic urns./

There was really no need for that. And it just ruined the rest of the verse. But it was a good story, the big words were flowing and sounding good until:

A volition and ambition to fill my foes with ammunition./
In addition, no recognition of projectiles inside of me./

A little bit too much bro, but it was better having to re-read recognition than having to read an A B C rhyme scheme. So good stuff on that note. Ending was nice, and liked the descriptive ness. Good word usage and rhyme scheme was just alright.

AJTL
Flow was a bit choppy, it was like 4 bars were smooth, then like the wrong word or too many words were thrown in there for a couple, then back to flowing. Honestly I would've voted your way because of the story, if you had tried a little bit more at multi-s and inners. Until you hit this point:

who stacked with guns, how was I gonna get in?
I sat n started thinkin' how was I gonna do this
so I came up with a way, to infiltrate at night

I have no clue what night rhymed with but it didn't seem to rhyme with anything. And the story just got worse from there. It was hard to read, flow was choppier, and everything was predictable. But good attempt, next time just try out different things, like take 5 minutes for each of different topics all related to the same thing, and see which one at the end of the 15 minutes is where you want it to be... and go with that. Anyways, y'all know my vote so... battle closed I guess.