i'm postin this here because the crowd in the b-girl forum (at least most of y'all) tend to actually read threads, take them in, and then comment rather than the majority of the spam forum...oops i mean general discussion does.

Recently i have been noticing more and more that people who i have known my entire life are coming out as gay, bi, or lesbians. Being bi myself, it delights me to see people finally being honest with themselves. With this in mind, i thought i'd share my experience growing up and finding out i was 'different' from my friends, and how i felt at the time. Maybe this is a pointless thread, maybe people will get something out of it, maybe i'll even give somebody the courage to admit a sexuality they have repressed, who knows. I hope at least one of you enjoys this lol.

ok, my story starts at my first ever real crush. I remember it like it was yesterday, i was 10 years old, coming to the end of primary school. I'd had a couple fo girlfriends before, but they were like most kid-relationships, there was never any real physical side of the relationship, it was almost like having a really close friend of the opposite sex. I'd just got home from school and put on the tv, i went out of the living room to get changed and when i came back a show called 'california dreams' was on (i don't know if you've seen it but its kinda like saved by the bell but the main characters are a band.) At this time i can honestly say i had never experienced physical attraction before, anyway, there was a character in this show called 'Jake' he was a guitarist who had kinda a bad boy image (if that's possible in a show like that) and the first time i saw him i was stunned, and i mean actually speechless. What i saw looking back at the screen at me that day, wasn't a guy who i wanted to make out with or whatever (well, it was a little bit), but rather a sign telling me that i was a freak. I grew up in a homophobic family and the only knowledge i had of homosexuality was my parents and grandparents talkin about those 'queers' or 'shirtlifters' or 'poofs', as u can probably figure out, i was horrified. How could the first person i had ever truly wanted be a boy? I wanted to die.

Fast forward 2 years, i'm in highschool, i have loadsa friends, loadsa admirers and a pretty perfect life, except for one thing. For the past 2 years of my life i have been tearing myself apart inside, i am strongly attracted to men, yet i feel nothing for women. I had my first kiss the year previous from a girl named Lauren, i will always remember my first kiss, not because it was magical, not because it was awful, i will remember it because when i kissed her, i was imagining her elder brother, Paul. So where i grew up, pretty much everybody was having sex age 12 or so. Now for me, this was horrible, i spent my days either being mocked because i was a virgin, or being badgered by my current girl to 'take the next step' with her, and my nights crying my eyes out because i wanted it to be ok that i'd rather lose my virginity with another boy. March 12th 1997, i lost my virginity to a girl 4 years older than me, Olivia. I knew that she liked me because whenever i used to play my guitar in school she'd sit staring at me constantly, my friends had set it up that i would go to her house at 7.30 when her folks were out at dance class. I remember how i felt walking up her driveway, a bit of me was excited i guess, mainly for the fact that it was something completely new (and dare i say it more adult) a strong part of me was disgusted, disgusted at myself for doing something like this, disgusted at the thought of a woman naked, never mind touching her, disgusted at the way it was all seedy, sneaking around her parents back to have sex in their house. When it finally happened the oddest thing occured, i, the town gay (as i saw myself at the time), was incredibly turned on by the naked girl in front of me, the night i lost my virginity was the total opposite of the day i had my first kiss, this time, i enjoyed it.

For the next 4 years of my life, i pretty much used sex with girls as my way of hiding from the oh so obvious lusty thoughts about men i had in my mind, the funny thing is, i'm still to this day not that attracted to girls in general, i am in fact more interested in girls sexually than for a relationship. So i slept around alot and tried to escape the fact that i was pretty much falling in love with one of my best mates and i still thought constantly about men. Then, on the 7th of june 2000, my friend Jase (the guy i was falling for) was shot in the face by a rival drug dealer as we came out of a club, this was easily the most horriffic moment in my life, the last thing he said to me was 'look after my mum for me' in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, something in his eyes told me that he knew i would, and somethin in his smile told me he knew i was in love with him, and in his own way, that was ok. 2 weeks after Jason's funeral, i met Dave. Dave was perfect, beautiful green eyes, long dark hair, fantastic muscles and a sense of humour to die for. It took all of 2 days for me to realise i couldnt hide my sexuality any longer, the icing on the cake happened in the middle of day 2.

I'd been hangin out with my mate Woody(Dave's cousin) and Dave. We played ball for about 3 hours that day, then Woody had to go to work. As we were about to set off, Dave looked at me and said "hey dobb, why don't u come back to mine and we can chill until he's finished work then we'll all have a few j's and listen to some tunes." I knew by the way his lips pouted ever so slighty that he knew i was madly carryin a torch for him. So we got back to Dave's house and for the first hour, maybe 2, we just hung out, we talked about everything, music, films, tv shows, even had a debate over who was the best simpsons character, then it happened. Dave looked at me straight in the eyes, i will see that look everytime i have sex, it said 'you want me, and i want you' and with a grin he said, "tell me if i'm wrong, but i haev a feeling that if i asked you to come to bed with me, i wouldn't get much of a fight." My knees almost collapsed, my heart was pounding against my chest, i could feel not only my palms gettin sweaty, but also my forehead, it was weird, i'd never been this aroused before, and i'd had sex loads of times. As i stood there in Dave's room, watching him undress, i couldn't speak. For the first time in 16 years of life, i felt home. As his soft sensual lips first brushed against mine, i knew this was right, this was different, i will always think of that as my first true kiss. Dave and I made love 3 times that night, when Woody got home, he seemed to already know what had happened. Woody turned to me and said "now, are you going to finally accept who you are and live your life the way you were meant to?" I was stunned, after 8 years of friendship and neither of us ever discussing it, he knew, he already knew what i was, and not just that, he encouraged it.

I later found out that Woody had figured out i liked boys after seeing me at Jases funeral, he told Dave the day after we met as Dave said that he'd love to have a guy like me. After my first night of homoerotic passion, i came out to all of my mates, since then, i have had lots of girlfriends, lots of boyfriends, been engaged, and had a son. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, but most importantly, after so many years of fear, pain and confusion, i am comfortable with who i am, i am bisexual, i have sucked dick, i am a boy, and i'm proud.

to anybody who feels like 'faggot,' 'homo' or any other sexuality related term is an insult know this. I have never felt better than the time i first went up to my friends and said 'i'm bisexual, and i'm having sex with a man.' to me, faggot will always be one of the biggest compliments you can ever give me.

to anybody who is having similar difficulties to those i had, or is jst being bullied for their sexuality, there are others like you, we understand, you are just the same as everyone else, don't worry. if you ever need somebody to talk to, i'm here if you need me

thanx for reading

Peace.

[CherryPie]

I hope everyone that reads this appreciates how open you are and your honesty. I know i do. Im 18, and my entire life ive been into boys and girls, boys more so then girls. When i was younger, i hada bestfriend (a girl) that i was terribly attracted to. Over the years i was glad we were so close, it made it ok and pretty natural to see eachother naked and to cuddle when sleeping. I never really thought bout it when i was younger, but realized as i got older and got into highskool how much i was attracted to other girls. i never felt weird about it, to be honest. im out of highskool now. Ive kissed girls, ive had crushes on girls, but ive never had a girlfriend. My friends know about me being interested in females, but my family doesnt. (besides my sister) My dad would probly understand, but i dont really feel the rest of my family would. But truely, i feel no need to tell them.

Anyways, i like how youv posted about this because im positive people on this site will read it and relate to it. Take care

[Swiper]

I read te whole lot... and its cool... I think.

Im not bisexual... im full blood hetero. Cant help it. But its good that you can accept who you are and feel good about yourself.

Your a faggot. compliment

[Mode]

nice post man, i've challenged myself before to see if i'm bi or whatever but to no avail remain hetrosexual. i can look at a guy 'n admit he's hot or whatever, but i would never want to have sexual relations (curiousity is there, but no). girls are just too big a part of my world, and much more appealing sexually.. looks like you get the best of both worlds though hahaha. props for reppin yourself on a predominantly homophobic site.

peace.

[Mogwai]

Hey,

read and digested dobb, I was impressed by your honesty dude, big ups and props. I'm in a strange situation myself. A lot of my friends think im totally gay, even though i've never had any homesexual relations at all. They say i look at guys "that way", however I can honestly say I don't find guys attractive the way I find girls attractive. I have been attracted to guys before but they dont do it for me like girls do. Does that mean im "slightly" bisexual? (like that exists)

Sure, i can see that a guy is good looking, and I can see a guys good physique....it doesn't really turn me on though. I had two older brothers I always looked up to, and relied on during my childhood, which means i tend to get on well with blokes and dont really understand women all too well. Then again I have ALWAYS had things for girls, not boys, ever since I remember.

I never fancied any of the guys at school, and still dont "fancy" them. I grew up in a small town where gay was bad. It even made me homophobic, until one of my friends came out, who i was great friends with. It phased me a little, but of course I was totally supportive, I'd only want happiness for my friends....

Guys never ever phase me, but a beautiful girl can make me stutter and totally collapse.

I think my friends are confused rather than me. I have some "camp" mannerisms sometimes, and im a spiritualist so i have platonic love for everyone, regardless of sex, which i think confuses people.....

I believe the spirit is sexless and therefore you can love anyone male or female, but i dont think i'd ever be sexually content with a guy.........but I would never think anything prejudicial about anyone who was openly homosexual. I do feel a bit uneasy when guys come on to me, i usually just say "im flattered but im not attracted to guys" or something.

Strange, maybe im repressing, but i think after writing all that, and posting it in public, if I really was bisexual I'd have admitted it to myself by now at least. I dont feel i have anything to admit.

Thoughts anyone?

Never thought id post something like this on bboy.org!
Good thread dobb!

[CherryPie]

^ the way ive interpreted what youv posted is that youre not bisexual. and if you were, i think youd know it. =) I know a ton of guys that feel uncomfortable with saying another man is attractive, and i also know guys that are comfortable with it. youre one of them. in my opinion your not confused or anything. youre straight. not much else to say. =) then again, i am a girl, so maybe one of the guys opinions will be different.

[Swiper]

haha thats something I dont get. When Im looking at the beach or something, you see hot chicks and your like DAMN.

But then you also see a guy with muscles or something, and you know that there attractive. Your not attracted, but if you say that guy is good to a girl, they will be like "are you bi or something"... "normal guys dont notice that"... and im like... WTF?

[GrandMoren]

Hey dobb, you know me, and you you im openly bisexual. Althought i havent done anything with a guy in a few years i admit on account of my girl.
Although i do admit i put out an ocassional "Damn hes fine" here and there.

Proud of ya for comin out with that on bboy.org

[GrandMoren]

Thats because most girls just arent used to guys saying another guy is hot.
And then when you tell them your bi/gay they dont beleive you.
Girls are weird that way.

[CherryPie]

Swiper - see, that is whats different from person to person.. cuz one of my guy friends could say a guy is attractive and ill either agree or disagree. i dont judge them because of how they look at someone of the same sex. i, in no way, think that because they said that theyr bi. hell no. some people do.

[Mrboogie23]

Props Dobb. It takes guts to do something like this. I respect that. I have many friends that are gay, and bi. To me there really isnt a difference.

It just comes down to who people find sexually attractive. No big deal in my opinion.

Personally, I can admit if there is a good looking male around, but I also know that I'm not attracted to him.

I've always just been majorly attracted to girls. I can be around good looking men, and not care, but if I'm around a good looking woman, I most definitely care.

Props for being open with yourself.

you da man.

[CherryPie]

lol MOST girls are weird that way, not all.

But hey, i hava question - why is it different to find out if one of your guy friends is bi then if one of your girl friends were bi?

cherry pie - assuming we thought they were straight to begin with, the difference is if a guy friend comes out, then i just added a new name to my list of 'peeps i can have sex with' lol but seriously, i never find there is a difference, but there seems to be this erotic mystique for straight males arund gay women, i think its silly, lets face it guys, if the girls are doin each other, who the fuck are u gonna do?

[CherryPie]

HA! thats probly the best answer ive read on this site in awhile, lol love it.

But u know what im sayin? i think its harder for most guys to handle the image of two men together then two women. i dunno why.

[Reflekt]

when i was 10 i started playing tennis in a local turney at a club. was put in the worst section with this guy called Ash [Ashley] and 2 other chicks. we were all about 10/11 at the time. as time passed on, myself and Ash always ended up in the same section due to our good pairing for doubles.

last year when i was 15 i was in section 3 [3rd highest] still with Ash. things had changed tho. he was a girls' best friend, yet never interested in em, even tho theyd throw themselves at him. he wore lots bangles on his wrists, put on moisturisier on his hands b4 a game, walked like a girl, and even loved the occasional shop.

it didnt really bother me though. he was like me best friend. then one day he gave me a quick peck on the lips which freaked the fuck outa me, and told me he was gay. meh, didnt surprise me. i wanted to break his nose tho. i was pretty pissed off, and he apologised for doing it after i told him i wasnt interested.

thing is, i used to be a total wack cunt n be homophobic and shit, but now, growing up with a guy that turned gay, ive changed my views.
personally, im not gay or bi. i have thought about it tho, and u know when another guy is good looking, but im just not attracted.
this is the 1st time ive ever spoken of the incident, and im not ashamed of it or nothing.
you are who you are, and major props to dobb for being an honest bloke.