[M0wicz]

Does anyone ever have the feeling that they're never going to improve? I don't just mean with breakin'...every aspect of life. Be it intelligence, or even love...that this precise moment you are better than any following moment...gives a bleak image of a so-called "future." I guess I'm already having a midlife crisis or something.

I don't know why I feel this way, and it's beginning to irritate me. I can notice trends, such as my dancing abilities staying the same, roughly...or my intelligence seemingly decreasing...yet I cannot explain why...why it's happening, or if it isn't actually happening, then why my mind is conjuring up something like this. In any case...I feel inadequate. My friend said it well...that I compare myself to others much too often...but how can I not? One of my main issues in life is acceptance...I want to belong, I want to believe I belong. I think allies are valuable influences on one's life, and loved ones even moreso...which is why I commonly give people the benefit of the doubt, even if I've just met them.

Some call me a sucker for that reason. Some say I'm being an idiot for being a nice guy like that...I just want normal relationships that others have; friends, family, a lover. Even enemies, but I find I rarely have those either. There are people being asses, and putting me down, etc...but I don't consider them enemies, merely misguided people...but at the same time, I don't consider a lot of friends to be actual friends for a similar, yet backwards reason...that I consider them friends, but they don't consider me one.

Seems paranoid, doesn't it? But that all comes back to my feeling inadequate. I'm always told I'm not that ugly...but when I look in the mirror, I sometimes find myself cringing...I can't stand the way I look. I'm always told I'm a bright person, and on a few cases, far above average...but I'm not a smart guy at all, I just know what to say at what time.

The only thing I believe I have in life, is common courtesy. I hold a door open for a girl carrying 5 textbooks...whether she appreciates it, or starts screaming at me for being a sexist ass. That type of courtesy is steadily diminishing, from both the general population, and myself. I have been yelled at about offering my seat, or holding a door open, or pulling out a girls chair so many times...that it's no longer a natural reflex for me, as are other forms of courtesy, such as keeping a calm speaking voice...but ok, I had a point in saying this, believe it or not. I believe this is all I have in life, and it's looked at as a weakness...just a side-question, IS IT? Should I turn into a hard-ass always looking out for number 1? Is it truly that much better for myself to be oblivious to others feelings? To not think about how my words/actions affect others beforehand? I don't know if I can change that.

So yes, inadequacy...Whether or not I really am inadequate, if I feel as if I am, am I? I cannot look a person in the eyes...I just can't. I feel inferior. What is a person to do?

[rap_attack]

I think throughout our lives we will all go through these feelings. You are not alone. When I was young I went through it and even from time to time now too! Then I tell myself that the hormones are playing up and it will pass or just that these feelings will pass. Which is true. I don't always feel the same way about anything! All feelings change...moment by moment....day by day....etc
Do things that enrich your life....there is a world beyond Hip Hop believe it or not...lol....I have been acused of being obsessed myself but this changed as everything does.
You can also when your ready look inside yourself for the answer...being young you could be holding onto something that wants to get out...exorcise your demons as they say and be free. When there is no room for negativity we naturally move towards happiness.
You deserve to be happy ok....I mean that in a non fluffy way. A lasting type of happiness that comes with contentment....Things always work out.
Do positive things anyway and that feeling will grow!

And I ain't no hippy!

Rap Attack

[supersain3D]

i think tht u should take a walk and just go some where nice and quite and just sit outdoors ya know and just let ur mind blank then thik answears will come too at least it did for me i think tht being a gentlemen is a great thing but thts just ma 2 cents and just remeber we decide or create our own desinty's follow the path u want and wht u want to do in life not wht other people want likeu want to give ur chair tpo a gurl then do it cause u want too and if they bich just let it go they missed out

[electron]

those girls who yell at you for doing that... they don't get it
feminism isn't about equal rudeness all over... it's about extending courtesy to people equally no matter what sex... what is REQUIRED of a true feminist is that we ALSO open doors for people and offer up seats to those in need

they're just barking up the wrong tree
it doesn't matter really what you look like, or how smart you are - there will ALWAYS be people better looking, and uglier than you are, smarter than you , and stupider... if you allow your feelings about yourself to be governed by your judgement of those around you, you will wind up either vain, or bitter, depending on where you choose to focus. You will always be better than some and worse than others, and that depends entirely on the perspective of who is looking, and the value system by which you are judged.

People tell me i'm beautiful... all the time.
Doesn't stop me from staring at the mirror at 3 am squeezing every last zit on my face i can find. Doesn't stop me from being down on my body, my hair, the way i talk... what i say, hearing an echo behind my words of myself and thinking " my god they must think i'm such a dork", " how can they stand me ?"

point is here - it's not actually anything about YOU that causes this feeling - this feeling is part of the state of being human, and you need to learn to deal with it as you would deal with a dog, wrapping it's leash around your leg as you are trying to get around it and keep walking ...
navigate this, roll with it when you need to and fight it when you get mad, but most of all, accept this state as part of the experience you have of being YOU ... and move through it .

You ... are bigger than anything that happens to you, and anything it makes you feel .Somewhere you choose to experience your reality through this filter at the moment, for the perspective it gives you and the strengths you will gain from it.

You;re no different than any one of us - maybe better looking than some, uglier than some, smarter than some, not as smart as others.... you're a better dancer than i am, but i've probably got more flexibility... we can go on if you like, but it's not about that.

you progress with every concious breath you take - sometimes the best progress is made when you feel like you're standing still

just wait
just talk to the universe and tell it what you want if you feel like you're going to explode

there is a lot of love out there
you came from love and you exist in love and when you die, you'll go back in to love

we all adore you here
but if you need to feel down on yourself for a while, ill adore you from afar and let you have your down time... we all need down time

[tinyD]

you're not the only one, i dont think there's anyone that cannot identify with u in some shape or form, and if not, they're immortal apparently!

you're still in high school so don't worry, you will have the rest of your life to enjoy, not that it gets any better for a while ie university where people can be just as dumb if not worse, but it will get better.

but yeh do look out for yourself as people tend to feed on other's energy....and don't let yourself become victim to that.

[M0wicz]

Heh...thanks everyone. Electron, you always know just what to say...

I must be getting too much estrogen, cuz I'm really moody lately...lol. (Yes, I'm kidding...please, no one take offense, cuz I've had people angry at me for crackin' jokes like that in the past...I don't like it. Haha)

I guess I'm just down lately...I concidered quitting dancing 2 times in the past week...and prior to this week, the thought never crossed my mind. I'm sort of looking to the future, and can't really picture anything. Going to university would seem like I'm abandoning my family...not going would seem like I'm abandoning myself. I don't know if I'll get accepted even, but I can't go somewhere on campus, so I guess my marks will decide...if I get into a campus that I don't need to move to attend, I can go...otherwise, I can't. Another issue with school...I don't know who knows, but I'm taking an extra year to take extra courses to prepare for medicine, as opposed to taking computer programming like I intended to before. I recently got accepted into this university program that isn't really university...high school students go to the campus once a week, and learn at a university level, my program being this new style of programming, Haskell. So I was given a text-book, and I'm currently working through it, killing my brain, and I have two inevitabilities...either I fail with Haskell, and give it up, or I pursue Haskell, get a scholarship, get into Computer Programming/Engineering, and have wasted a whole year of my life taking courses I'll never use.

Well, that's a bit of an explanation...not an excuse, but...I'd rather be happy than depressed/depressing anyway...thank you all.

Take care.

[electron]

school...
nobody's going to do anything but give you extra respect if you decide to take a year off from ANY and ALL studies before going in to university

youre still in high school - you don't need to make any decisions yet, no matter what your counsellors tell you. So long as you keep your marks up and study the things you choose to be important, you'll be set for whatever choices you decide to make when the time is right

if it's not time to leave your family, if they need you to be there, then you can take that time to spend with them and get in to uni when you damn well feel like it. I have friends who didn't even get around to undergrad until their late 20's and they did all the better for having experienced some " real life " in the interim. Whatever you choose to do, be cool with it and make sure that you're serving your interests for the present, while respecting your dreams.

You're doing really well
don't worry
just trust the process - it's the small choices you make every minute that define your life far more than the big ones. You are who you are, just be true to that and do the best you can.

thanks for the props on the xanga- it's nice to know people read it

[tinyD]

do whatever you're only 18, you have loads of time, i' 24 and still barely know what i want to be doing now that i'm doone uni...yeh i have plans, but schools don;t always accept you right away. so don't worry, take your time, take the year off.

[Aura]

MO - I feel you and I feel you 10 times over.

I definitely have weeks where I feel so stressed like I can't live up to all that's expected of me, and then I have weeks where I look at myself and I'm like damn....I'm doing pretty well for myself. It's a constant internal struggle that's influenced by so many things. The thing I battle with the most is not so much being accepted so much as >APPRECIATED< Being the nice girl/nice guy can be draining, especially when it's a natural state of being. But I don't think we should get discouraged. The world needs positive balance.

I think you're one of those naturally generous and thoughtful people. I am too and it can be so frustrating trying to understand where you belong in a world that can be so cold sometimes. It becomes a lonely path if you can't find people who identify with your depths and visions. People who support you through thick and thin, people who appreciate your generosity and return even an ounce of it. Kindness should never be mistaken for weakness.

There is honestly a LOT of selfish people in this world. Too absorbed in their own lives to realize their words and actions influence other people's moods and attitudes.

All this week I've been at work and everyone seems to be in pissy moods and I noticed people giving me the cold shoulder or being short with words and I'm like wtf did I do? With a little investigation I found out that all of these people are just absorbed in whatever problem they're thinking about such as dealing with our jerk of a boss, a baby on the way with a selfish ex-girlfriend, spats with other co-workers, stress from debts, exhaustion from daily bullshit, depression from all of it or whatever, everybody has things on their mind....

but the greatest feat of all is to take all the faults and issues and what ifs life deals you in stride and still be kind to the people around you and TRY to surround yourself with positive people who understand the art of patience and understanding.

I know even though I'm crazy stressed on life right now, I still treat people how I want to be treated.

MO- YOU are an awesome person. It doesn't matter to me what you look like, what moves you got down or what grades you get.....I care about YOU, the person inside who is constantly connecting with others and seeing past the cover, reaching out to understand. You deserve to be happy and if it's getting 4 flares, an A in whatever class or a makeover that gets you there...then so be it. I'd still support your efforts but all of those things are merely status and reputation. Character is what matters. You got that on lock.