[Aura]

I was just curious to see what other girls view are on monogamy~
I know it has nothing to do with breaking, but I wanted to get some insight
from people I have things in common with.

Do you believe in it? Do you think it's possible? Or do all or most
relationships dwindle because of monotony? What are some ways to avoid
monotony?

I'd really like to see a good debate and read different opinions here.

[B-Girl BaLi]

i believe in only bein wit one person... I absolutely love only ONE guy right now in my life... he is the best possible thing that could have happened to me... i used to be such a "playa" but since he came into my life..i jus didnt WANT to be with any one else....

and i think MARRIAGE is a beautiful thing.. im jus to young 4 it

[hagios]

well said Bali, i believe in the "just one" for me as well, marriage, well if i met her then i'd marry her, it's as simple as that.

[Boni]

I think that you cant base a relationship on sex, and thats why a lot of marriages dont work. What happens when you both get old and ugly? What else will there be? A lot of people think they fall in love with someone and thats not really love its lust and the marriage fails.

[electron]

hm
i'm all for polyamory - in concept if not also in practice

i believe that your choice to be with one person should be a constant choice ,no one that you make once and are then held to indefinitely until you break the entire relationship ... you can be in an open relationship and be monogamous out of choice , but you shouldn't have to go through life with blinders and rules - those things shouldn't be building your fortress ...

I see that in my life ,my best relationships have been the ones where we were both free to see other people - we would always grow and learn and were able to talk about our insecurities with far more freedom than in a monogamous one , where the question " did you sleep with her " or "do you find her attractive " is often voiced as an accusation and implies guilt .
Sure i get insecure , sure from time to time i'm jealous , but it's rarely about sex , and usually has to do with things that i'm insecure about MYSELF about , not so much anything that my boyfriend is doing ... for example , Itaj likes small girls , and i am in NO way small - 5'8 and built... breaking gave me shoulders and i can lift a bathtub ... my thighs are hard , i've got an ass ... and when i see him with his arm around some girl who is , like , 5'2 and not so in shape i feel inadequate - but that doesn't have to do with HIS choices , thathas to do with things i don't like about myself hitting closer to home . See what i'm saying ?

YOur OWN relationship can also grow a lot from having external influence, knpwledge and experiences ... you may be able to explore aspects of your personality better with someone else than with the person who you've chosen as a primary partner ,sometimes it takes two ... Say you're a sub , and you're looking for a dom , but that's REALLY not what your boyfriend is in to . If you're stuck in a monogamous relationship this may be the reason for an otherwise wonderful union to end , but if you're able to find someone else to act on your curiosity with , then you can manage to make it all work . In monogamous relationships , the option is cheating , or hiring someonen , or somehow lying if you can't reach a compromise , but polyamory gives you many more contexts in which to work your shit out .

I've got reasons and reasons for this , and examples and examples for it , but i DO believe quite strongly that people should be free , and that love isn't a finite resource - that the more love there is in the world , the more love there is to recieve and to give ... it multiplies .
I believe in keeping yourself safe , for sure - taking necessary precations , tests , backgrounds ... knowing who you are involved with , but i do that in ALL aspects of my life , not just sex .

Monogamy to me is like saying that you're only going to grow in ONE path for the rest of your life - that doesn't work for me . Maybe it does for some people , but i can't see how it doesn't cut off those other shoots that might take you to amazing places .

[Zodiak Stizo]

damn electron. spwead da knowledge

[Aura]

hmmm...good reponses/opinions.

I personally feel that it's all about maturity. If you're thinking of having a family and a home and a career......then there comes a time to settle down. It's during that time that I'm confused about monotony. If you are a roamer/journeyman/woman then maybe polyamory is more your style.

I'm such a sucker for romance that I envision being with the love of my life unconditionally FOR life.

However I do agree with Electron on the fact that everyone should remain free...contradicting myself? No, not really. I feel that if you find "the one" then you should have trust enough to let the other person do as he/she pleases, come and go as they please and subject themselves to any fantasies or vices they may have. Accepting that person as is and compromising any issues is a part of unconditional love.

Letting go of the person if you find yourself unhappy or longing for another persons touch is a different story. Maybe it takes that other touch for you to realize how special the other person was...or maybe this person is better suited for you. But I believe in monogomy and I pray I can keep my man intrigued enough to avoid monotony.

~Also if any of you have any relationship questions or problems feel free to post here, cuz I know we all have them. Or if you just wanna shout out how happy you are with your current beau, feel free~

[B-Girl BaLi]

Originally posted by Boni
I think that you cant base a relationship on sex, and thats why a lot of marriages dont work. What happens when you both get old and ugly? What else will there be? A lot of people think they fall in love with someone and thats not really love its lust and the marriage fails.

thats actually very mature of you ... alot of ppl do marry for "good sex"... im proud to say that even tho my baby does take care of home... i dont love him b/c of the sex... i loved him LONG b4 we ever had sex... i was just too scared to tell him... but thats another story...

to me its not reall love unless you know that tomorow if he gets deformed to the point you cant even recognize him, you will still love him, and want to be with him, if he could never touch you ever again... you would still love him... if you love him b/c of the PERSON he is ... not b/c of his body... or the clothes he wears... or the jewelry.. or his "skills" whatever they may be... but b/c he IS HIM.....

i can honestly say i love this man with my whole heart... not just the parts that are easy to give away... he knows this .. and he knows i would do anything in my power for him...

electron .. i feel you on the insecuritys things and i do have a jealous streak.. but mostly i constantly wonder why he loves me.. and why or rather HOW he finds me attractive... but i guess i just have to take my own advice.. and just take it 4 what it is... he love me... and be happy... that i have him...

[hagios]

hhmmmmm, i think that there is confusion as to the meaning of terms here. Monogamy is not restricting, at least it shouldn't be. Monogamy is releasing, it should free those involved.

By living in a polyamoric situation, how do you ever trust that person, and how long do you intend to be in that situation. there is no trust, because you expect no trust.
I can have as many relationships as i want, have sex with anyone, but all i'm doing is trying to fulfil my natural human instinct to find companionship, if i live polyamory, i only ever float between people, not ever commited to just one, thus never finding what my human desire needs most, companionship.

If through polyamory i do find the one that i want to be with in a monogamic relatoinship, how will the other partner trust me if my past has been all about sleeping between people. There will always be the question on her mind, and if it goes the other way, how can i trust her, it will always be on the back of my mind.
There's too many problems down the track, never mind the immediate problems. I'm not saying everyone should not ever have sex, i'm saying throwing sex around like a ping pong ball between lovers will probably bring about problems down the track.

unconditional love is not attainable by humans. We can strive for it, but because we're human, we'll come undone somehow, thus failing unconditional love.
The closest we can come to this kind of love is by sharing in the life of one person over a long period of time, continual invested interest, love is not an emotion, it starts as an emotion, but it needs to evolve into something more pure, something stronger.
I can't see how this love can be found in any other way than through a monogamous relationship, one to whom you are commited, commited to each other and only to each other.

This is not the popular view of today, because it's not convenient for people to agree with. The culture of the day is polyamory, it feels better to walk away from something if it doesn't seem like it's working.
But love comes through suffering together, it's only through suffering and experience that we grow as humans, and grow with another person in love. If we live in a 'free' polyamoric relationship, then we're free to walk away whenever we want never having to suffer and grow,

that's my slant. Peace.

[electron]

i disagree with you , hagios , on many levels
it becomes apparant that you have not experienced polyamory in any responsible way
it's not about sleeping with as many people as possible
it's about love , respect , and doing as you choose , not being bound by artificial rules or expectations
i trust itaj with all my heart
trust that he will be honest with me , trust that if i need him , he will be there - he can expect the same of me .
I trust that he will be true to himself and not make me feel inadequate for not being able to give him what he needs if that is the case . Trust that he will allow me complete freedom , and that our lines of communication will be always open .
Trust that if he proposes any kind of arrangement , that i will listen and learn , and vice versa . What more could i ask for ?

We definitely have our problems , and we definitely work them out - and grow for it . A polyamorous relationship is far , far from " shallow " ... an open marriage , or arrangement is one that is constantly , growing, shifting , and learning . If you want to be a playa , well , that's one thing - i don't consider that to be having many relationships ,i call that playing . There is a difference there .

I can't imagine a monogamous relationship for a lifetime - bound to one person only , irregardless of needs or situations - that's expecting lifetime devotion from someone else - and i don't need or want that . What i want is love and respect . I can get that without holding someone else on a leash .

[electron]

also , a monogamous relationship ,at this point in time , would almost be redundant for me - it certanly wouldn't add anything to the quality of my life ... only subtract

i do not get jealous of itaj when he sleeps with other people
i don't worry that i'm going to be replaced . I know he loves me as deeply as i love him and that it's a one in a million chance that he'd meet someone who rocks his world more than i do , and likewise on my side . And , if he WERE to meet that other person ,i'd let him go freely - what else could i do ? make him cheat ? hold on to him so tightly he couldn't breathe ?

he's a free man - and i'm grateful for every day i spend with him . I don't need to expect that he's going to be with me every night , i don't need that kind of guarantee for any feeling of security . My security comes from within , and not from any other person giving it to me.

I don't worry about somebody's past , apart from the necessary tests , which i'd worry about irregardless of their past behavioral patterns . Sex is only one aspect of a relationship , and it's not necessarily the foundation of it either . My trust of people has to do with the quality of that person , not if they're out there appreciating other ass ... hell , i can sit with my boyfriend / girlfriend at a cafe and check out other girls without any kind of uncomfortable feeling ... so what ? people can be beautiful ... so what's the problem with appreciating that ?ANd i have no need to be the most beautiful in their eyes any more than i need to be the most beautiful in MY OWN eyes . Why bother projecting my own insecurities on to other's actions ? that serves no good .

I HAVE been in monogamous relationships - they've worked sometimes , and sometimes not , but either way , i felt encumbered by the rules set upon me ... when my boyfriends would get insecure about other men checking me out , or who i talked to , or what i did , or who i hung out with , or if a hug lasted too long ... and i can't take someone like that in to my life any longer . If you feel like you need to own me , like you can't trust me , then obviously you aren't going to be allowed to get very intimate with me because you're going to have your own expectations fulfilled .

And so i wind up with amazing boyfriends , friends , girlfriends and lovers , who have met one another , get along , and help each other out . There's no angst , or issues about who's getting tail , it's all good ... what it takes is secure , responsible and mature people who aren't going to get it in to their minds that they have ANY claim over someone else's body and soul . And these are the kind of people who i would love to spend the rest of my life with .

[CherryPie]

you should DEFINITLY write a book domini. jesus, id buy it ina heartbeat lol simple topics like this you put into words so nicely.

[Aura]

My post got all screwed up. I was trying quote Electron with this:

"My trust has to do with the quality of that person , not if they're out there appreciating other ass ... hell , i can sit with my boyfriend / girlfriend at a cafe and check out other girls without any kind of uncomfortable feeling ... so what ? people can be beautiful ... so what's the problem with appreciating that ?ANd i have no need to be the most beautiful in their eyes any more than i need to be the most beautiful in MY OWN eyes . Why bother projecting my own insecurities on to other's actions ? that serves no good"

Thank you for that I agree wholeheardedly with you on this aspect and you put it in a way that made me feel stupid about my own insecurities. Everybody is beautiful in their own way but the trick is to understand that beauty IS more then skin deep.

However I side with Hagios on alot of things such as:
"By living in a polyamoric situation, how do you ever trust that person, and how long do you intend to be in that situation. there is no trust, because you expect no trust.
I can have as many relationships as i want, have sex with anyone, but all i'm doing is trying to fulfill my natural human instinct to find companionship, if i live polyamory, i only ever float between people, not ever commited to just one, thus never finding what my human desire needs most, companionship".

I feel that if I wanted to be with another person or my partner wanted to be with another person then we should let each other go. I'm not strong enough to think or know of my love lusting or being passionate with another. It is in my nature to be monogomous.

Thank you people for you insight and helping me gain new perspectives.

P.S> Anyone having trouble with the server screwing shyt up or being slow??

[electron]

aura , i'm glad you're learning from the discussion ... for the record , i've got a lot of respect for hagios - we stand on opposite sides of many issues , but i DO respect his opinions and can understand where they come from .

I wanted to respond to your comment about beauty being more than skin deep ...i KNOW this , very , very well . When i was younger i worked as a model , as well as in many situations where physical beauty was the only qualification required , and i found it to be pretty awful , the parties , the people i was thrown in with ... imagine , 16 year old models , coming from small towns throughout north america and crammed in to apartments in NYC , sometimes 2 or 3 to a room , carted to the trendy clubs to cement the image of the " young and beautiful " crowd . Some of these girls were nice , some of them were extremely insecure and competitive ( i was 22 at that time and well over most of what they were going through ) but no matter what , their intelligence, maturity , and personality had NOTHING to do with why they were there . I've met gorgeous people who i wouldn't share more than 5 minutes of conversation with , and conversely , in other stages of my life , hanging with netgeeks and techies , i've met incredible people who are beloved friends who may or may not be someone who gets attention when they walk down the street .

I love people for who they are , not what they look like ... it doesn't mean that i can't look at gorgous people and appreciate it . I'm a designer - i spend a lot of my time looking at people's bodies and finding the best way to show off their physical assets and integrate the things that they aren't proud of . It's amazing how many women will always say that they need to lose weight - no matter their size it's always the same old song ... i'm much the same - doesn't matter if it was when i was bone thin or when i filled out with age and breaking , i'll probably always feel like i need to lose about 5 lbs if i want to look my best . The key is to not let this affect your mental state , it's just something that's like a stumbling block in my mind . I rarely find myself staring at a girl in appreciation of her skeleton , or a guy in appreciation of his bony shoulders - i'm looking at muscles and roundness , and vitality .And there is nothing wrong with that . I can't sit on a corner and all of a sudden be struck by someone's inner beauty as they walk by ( well , sometimes i can , but that takes an extremely enlightened being to project that far ) but i CAn be struck by a nice figure , or a beautiful face . And my original point was that if my boyfriend is there with me , i'm not threatened when he looks at other women and appreciates that - i know he loves me for who i am and will still love me when my ass sags , and whether my tits are small or big. It's about more than that . Doesn't mean you can't appreciate it on all levels though .

I have issues with hagios implyinng that there is no deep love , no companionship in a polyamorous situation .That's simply not the case . I have a great love for my current boyfriend .I also have a great love for some of my ex's . THey feel the same way about me . Just because circumstances dictate that it is no longer the best thing to remain a couple doesn't mean you can't still love them - in every sense , i can love them even more , knowing full well that it has NOTHING to do with needing to hold them so close , or needing to feel like they're going to be devoted to me . I don't need devotees , i want equals and free beings , free to come and go as they please - what is constant is love , not physical proximity .

I also agree that there are many cases where an open relationship winds up monogamous by default , i've had that arise many times as well , where i couldn't imagine wanting anybody but my boyfriend or girlfriend . But sometimes that shifts , and the knowledge that it's not a problem to explore these other desires only enhances the primary relationship . If you keep things disallowed , often they will begin to own you , and create problems in other areas of the relationship ... if i'm threatened by the girl that Itaj studies math with , and tell him that he can't see her any more ,then what am i to do ? learn math ? shorten myself 5 inches ? Become her , so that he can learn from me everything that he wanted to learn from her ? HELL FUCKING NO !!!
All that would happen would be that i'd become miserable and so would he .I'd worry forever that i was measured and found lacking for my disinterest in math , and he'd be forever wondering what avital was like , what she smelled like , what her home was like . INsecurity and jealousy can destroy you when you push them inside like that - or allow them such power in your life that they cause you to control people or make strident rules .

but if i let him go , deal with my jealousy or loneliness, create parameters where it is safe ( i.e . okay, but please call me in the morning so i can talk to you before you go to work , or alright , she can stay over , i'll be at dvir's house tonight , but please make sure to change the sheets and make the bed when you are done so I don't have to smell her ) then it works out . And i usually wind up making more friends in the process . Not all the time , but usually , the other people my partners are interested in are people who i very much like and respect . If you can get over a feeling of unwarranted betrayal you can include some amazing people in your life .

Whatever choices , whatever paramaters you decide to take for your relationship , that's good for you ... sometimes we can't handle the degree of openness that polyamory will bring , sometimes we aren't ready for it , and in that case , for god's sake don't go there - it's only going to wind up a big mess ...

but to say that it's shallow , or that you can't trust your partners , that's just not true . ANd i wanted to make that very , very clear .

[Aura]

Just to clear the air I have respect for all of the above opinions and I was in no way implying anyone was arguing, but simply debating and I was paraphrasing my own thoughts on the matter.

That being said I actually talked to John about this thread and we talked about us possibly having an open relationship. Both of us have had open relationships in the past. We both agree in our own opinion feelings get hurt. I myself have found that I tend to develop romantic feelings for the person and my desire to mix with other people diminishes after spending more and more time with the person. I guess we see an open relationship as "friends with benefits". Which is not necessarily a bad thing, it's just not my thing or his thing.

As for avoiding monotony in a monagomous relationship, everything (electron) stated about admiring people for their physical and/or mental beauty should be a freedom in ANY type of relationship. If you're jealous or untrusting you're inadvertanly projecting your own insecurities therefore defacing your own character.

Big Ups to being a model by the way Domini. I wanted to be a model for a long time and perhaps a small part of me still does, but the agonizing scrutiny society has adopted irks me. I've always felt I was too skinny....contrary to most women, I've went through stages of trying to put on weight eating peanut butter everything, eating, working out, then eating again. My metabolism won't allow it and while I tell people this and they shake their in disgust because they wish they had my metabolism, I suffer with the same yet opposite insecurity. Now I realize it's okay to be happy just to be healthy.

Its a big world and I think we all just wanna make our mark:
find our talents and share them, explore and experiment, live and learn, love.....and be loved.