[bendy]

I don't think that monogomy necessarily takes away your freedom unless you create a relationship with that person that takes away from yourself, like if you do things out of guilt or don't say something because you don't want to hurt someone you are slowly taking away the ability to say those things in the future and in the end will lead to a form of resentment or complete inner confusion at ones desires because you couldn't express them on such a minute level with the things that are less important how would you be able to express the more important.
i just got out of a relationship with someone that technically would have made a great husband and all of that - had all the props knew how to treat a lady and all of that but there was a piece of passion missing that if i had forced myself to stay with him because i had once voiced a commitment to him then i would totally be denying myself something that would cheat me out of something maybe physical or mental to happen with myself or the universe because i was in a relationship for him not us, not creating an independent third life between the two of us, and i thought i wanted to see a bunch of other people and that would satisfy it somehow but ..... shoot gotta finish this later sorry to leave it in mid sentence.

[Aura]

Stiff I read every line and I agree with a lot of it, but honestly not many guys think like you. I think it’s absolutely beautiful the way your thoughts are formed around monogamy and maintaining a relationship with one person.

I would love to have the devoted love and passion you speak of.... RETURNED. I have not found a guy yet that can return my energy, my passion or my thoughtfulness. I can barely find FRIENDS that are as generous with their energy as I am. Don’t get me wrong I know some astounding individuals, but most of which are across the globe unreachable in times of need. I've learned a lot through my pain and heartaches of monogamous relationships and I've reached some conclusions.

These conclusions are strictly based on past relationships and my current. They're subject to change with time and new relationships but for now this is how I feel.

As of right now I feel that there’s not one person who can give me what I’m looking for. I want to date and see people (without sex for personal reasons at least for a while) and just get to know people. Get to know myself better. A form of polygamy I suppose.

When the time feels right I’ll be strong enough with my own insecurities to truly settle down and have an “open” monogamous relationship. I want to find the “ONE” that every one dreams of and build a family one day. But being twenty and having the experiences I’ve had in relationships I know now I need to step back and just reflect on it all and think about ME. I’ve been in a relationship since I was 12. Seriously. My only break was from 17-18.

I also have a lot of mixed feelings on sex and the way its displayed and the way its talked about and idealized. There’s so much sh*t on tv/on the street that straight up gets under my skin. I hate the way females are displayed. I hate the way a LOT of males talk trash about sex. I see a lot of sex and very little respect or romance. I’m not trying to go all mormon on you guys but it makes me sick. I understand that it’s “art” to some people. But to me there’s “art” and then there’s trash. I haven’t gone out with one guy who can be honest about it ALL. You think someone’s beautiful, share it, but don’t drool and make the other person feel like they’re missing something. You watch porn, share it, don’t hide it for the same reasons. Save it for the bedroom ya know? I’ve witnessed so much disrespect and heard so many lies, so many lines, been cheated on and I’m just sick of it. I'm worth SO much more then that. It took me awhile to figure it out, but I am.

I want mind sex. Deep conversations and intimate eye locking. I want honesty in its rawest form and passion in its purest. Romance at its most sensual. And sex that can actually be called making love.

Bendy said:

“i just got out of a relationship with someone that technically would have made a great husband and all of that - had all the props knew how to treat a lady and all of that but there was a piece of passion missing that if i had forced myself to stay with him because i had once voiced a commitment to him then i would totally be denying myself something that would cheat me out of something”

EXACTLY. He gives me the affection I want but only when he feels like it. No passion. He takes care of things financially, but he never helps out around the house. If I’m going to settle down I want the WHOLE PACKAGE. 50/50 I help you, you help me equality along with passion, attraction, and satisfaction. Too much to ask for from one person? Maybe. Maybe not, but I know I haven’t found that person. But Stiff, I do know what you mean. I WANT THAT. I just feel VERY discouraged from it right now.

Time to sit back and observe.

[tinyD]

i totally inderstand where u are ocming from, but i think you are closer to stiff on your ideas than you may think.

i think you are with someone who does not vibrate at your wavelength...he doesn't do anything for you to grow as a person, in fact he may just hinder you by the way you have been talking about your situation. i think you want to try yourself interacting with various people before you decide on someone you could be totally compatible with and that's good! but deep down, when you talk about the passion ect you would like to see in a relationship, you seem to infer that it comes form a single person. i dunno, i could be wrong, just my interpretation. you just seem like you want polygamy until u find hte one

just dont settle for someone who doesn't give you as much energy as you give them...i had a boy like that who i thought i was in love with...we lived together as well, so i know what it feels like. and i depended on him indefinitely which is not a good place to put yourself, bc really, no woman needs a man to the extent i put myself into. it massively sucked bc it was a uneeded.

[bendy]

i totally agree with both views stated, i wanted to add one thing about how a lot of it depends on parts of society we are a part of.
I think that a huge problem that comes up is our society is sexual repression In many ways we are sexually repressed as far as what is allowed on tv to what is appropriate to say to a woman on the street and because of all that repression it makes it hard to allow oneself to love multiple people because were being told you can only love one person, weather you are sexually involved are not.
I think if society allowed people to express themselves sexually in the open world it wouldn't be as hard to decide to be with one or two or how many people, you would just be able to enjoy the moments you want to enjoy with whomever you wish to enjoy them with for the purpose of that moment alone and then walk away from it take the enjoyment of that experience and still be able to experience something with someone else weather it is the same or different.
and it can come down to that if you believe in polyamory you will fall into circles of people with the same idea and if you want a monogamous relationship then in the end you will hopefully find someone who has the same wishes, but it comes down to if one person feels one way and is trying to project it on someone who feels diffently then it can't possibly work one way or the other.

[flumP]

Originally posted by bendy
I don't think that monogomy necessarily takes away your freedom unless you create a relationship with that person that takes away from yourself, like if you do things out of guilt or don't say something because you don't want to hurt someone you are slowly taking away the ability to say those things in the future and in the end will lead to a form of resentment or complete inner confusion at ones desires because you couldn't express them on such a minute level with the things that are less important how would you be able to express the more important.
i just got out of a relationship with someone that technically would have made a great husband and all of that - had all the props knew how to treat a lady and all of that but there was a piece of passion missing that if i had forced myself to stay with him because i had once voiced a commitment to him then i would totally be denying myself something that would cheat me out of something maybe physical or mental to happen with myself or the universe because i was in a relationship for him not us, not creating an independent third life between the two of us, and i thought i wanted to see a bunch of other people and that would satisfy it somehow but ..... shoot gotta finish this later sorry to leave it in mid sentence.

please do tell do tell. the most truth from you so far.

[Aura]

Originally posted by tinyD i totally inderstand where you just seem like you want polygamy until u find the one

just dont settle for someone who doesn't give you as much energy as you give them...i had a boy like that who i thought i was in love with...we lived together as well, so i know what it feels like. and i depended on him indefinitely which is not a good place to put yourself, bc really, no woman needs a man to the extent i put myself into. it massively sucked bc it was a uneeded.

You're right tiny. He brings out the worst in me period. I have a lot going on right now, but as soon as I'm moved and settled I'm pretty sure things will be how they should be. What do I mean by that? I'm not quite sure myself. All I know is being with him and having this desire for passion rooted inside of me is heart wrenching.

You know how you finish a tube of toothpaste, you try to squeeze out every last bit? Well, asking for passion from him is like squeezing an empty toothpaste tube.

I squeezed out every last bit, it's time for a new tube.

[electron]

i'm having my first more than two week break since i was 23 ( i am now 27)
and i was only single for just over a year between 21 and 23 ( broke up just before 22... met someone 2 months after turning 23 )

it's good ... in a lot of ways- i have time to focus just on my work, myself, my passions... i think that i generally had guys since eyal just to fill that gap where i love to love someone and give them myself, recieve the same back from them, and my standards apparantly had deteriorated over time. No more.

But, now i reach a quandary. I don't think that any of you are there yet, it usually hits around 25 - 26 ... women reach sexual prime at 35 and finally i begin to understand what this is about. YOu actually get a sex DRIVE and, like guys think with their small heads, i find myself thinking between my legs as well. It's a need. I had not understood this the last time i was single- celibacy was just fine for me and i was entirely unaffected. It's not the case this time and i need to find some solution for the problem. The most obvious one for this is finding a fuck buddy, but it never seems to stay just at that level unless it's one of my " boy in every port" boys , for example, in NYC where i am never there long enough to actually develop a codependent relationship with my buddy but we've had something good going on for 5 years now.
I had some bodywork done by a really good massage therapist last week and he told me what i already knew - that i've got an incredibly strong, really positive sexual energy but it's been blocked recently ( i.e. since the shit with jeff went down) and it's affecting my flow in every area of my life, not to mention the looseness and openness in my hips and heart chakra.

So now i'm needing to remember how to get that flowing myself, to channel that energy out in to my work without the standard " get laid every night" deal that i've had for so long.

It's not that easy- i second guess myself a lot these days.
I still believe that polyamory is a good foundation for being able to make the choices you are faced with without mandatory blinders on, but i don't know that i'm ready to dive in to any pool for a while.

[tinyD]

i like sex, but i know i can easily live without it. it'll be fun when i have a male like drive so when does this all start?